2019 - The End

It's that time of the year when we make resolutions and revisit the various highs and lows of 2019 that we collectively, and individually, experienced. It’s also that time of the year when a gazillion posts about how you can become a 'better' person fill up the internet and Facebook starts sending everyone their respective 'highlights of the year'. Which makes the end of the year a little more overwhelming than it already is or needs to be. 

How was 2019 on the beanbag?

I walked into the new year with an armful of resolutions, a self-help book (which I still haven’t finished) and a Google sheet. This sheet became something out of a horror story after a couple of months. The thought of this daily accountability, though very exciting at first, soon became a nightmare. Even though it did help me get into the habit of performing some tasks, there were others I didn’t or couldn’t do every day and the sight of these incomplete tasks made me loathe the sheet. So I abandoned it and decided to focus on the big and some not so big goals I had set for the year.

The one big learning I’ve come away with from this goal setting process is that achieving anything requires resilience and consistency. No matter what the world throws at you, you’ve got to stick to your path. If you stray from your path, the big bad wolf will come after you and we know what he wants. I was able to do some things this year which I had not thought possible. At the same time, there were some other things which I failed at miserably. Does that make 2019 a bad year? Not at all. On the contrary, it was a year full of learnings and personal discoveries. 

Major takeaways from 2019:

1. Read for ten minutes everyday. There is no maximum limit.

2. Talk to Allah. There is no better meditation than prayer. 

3. Don’t be afraid of the world. Write, perform, create - on YOUR terms. 

4. Take more risks, Farheen! Be bold and make a statement. Whether it be through your attire or your posts on social media platforms. Get moving girl!

5. Wear more saris. Investing in lawn suits is ridiculous.

6. Spend quality time with the twins. In a couple of years they’ll be off to university and then I’ll miss not being with them. 

7. Take out the DSLR. Take pictures. Find beauty in ordinary things. Make an effort. You’ve done it before.

8. Write the twins’ journal regularly. Write in your own journal regularly. 

9. Be kind. Be patient. Be kind. Be patient. 

10. Focus on your health. Do what makes you happy and content but do it diligently and sincerely. 

Signing 2019 off with some words of wisdom from my favourite bear, Winnie the Pooh. "Don't underestimate the value of doing nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear and not bothering".


Note: Some of the highlights of 2019 on the beanbag. You can read about them here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Whew!

Photograph: I took this pic of Winnie the Pooh and Piglet at the Flower Dome in Singapore during our visit in Nov-Dec 2019. 

Post # 31 - 2019 in books

This post is a long one. You've been warned. 

Last year I just managed to read six books even though I had set a lofty goal of reading a 100. Actually a 100 books in 365 days is totally do-able if you don’t have twins and Netflix. This year I decided to work around the twins and other entertainment/commitments and set a simple goal (as suggested by my bestie) of reading ten minutes everyday. The result was that I managed to finish 20 books! I know some of you will scoff at this meagre number while others will shake their head in disbelief that I even got into double digits but one can’t please everyone. 

A few books were re-reads, some of them were selections of the DWL Karachi Readers’ Club and some were from my TBR pile. So I started the year with Hanif’s latest book, Red Birds. Let’s just say that I liked his previous two books more than this one and leave it at that. Milkman by Anna Burns came next and this book was AMAZING. It was set in Ireland during The Troubles in the 70s and even though the story was about harassment, the war was weaved into it superbly. 

I managed to read three non-fiction books this year - Over Seventy by P.G.Wodehouse, It’s Not about the Burqa - Collected Essays, and The Sensational Life and Death of Qandeel Baloch by Sanam Maher. All three books were complete opposite of each other. 

Maher’s book on Qandeel Baloch was such a beautiful and sad read simultaneously. If you haven’t read it yet, I’d suggest you do. NOW. The essays in It’s Not about the Burqa were very intense and personal. Almost all of them gave a picture of how life is in the UK for a Muslim woman. Whether it is concerning their physical appearance or their right to marry whom they like - this book is a brave attempt at highlighting the voices of women. Kudos to all who contributed to it. 

Another book by a Pakistani author which was not just an enjoyable read but superbly written was Bina Shah’s, Before She Sleeps. The only unfortunate thing is that it isn’t available for sale in Pakistan and the only copy available was at the British Council Library. I think this might just be Bina’s best work. The plot was well constructed, the characters had depth and the dystopian setting was very, very believable. Loved it. 

Afternoon Raag by Amit Chaudhuri was, like all his books, a very pleasant read. It was as if I wasn’t reading but walking through a gallery, viewing one painting after another. The beauty of Chaudhuri’s work is that he doesn’t really provide you with a traditional story structure but invokes a mood, recreates a feeling. I followed it up with Desai’s, Baumgartner’s Bombay. A typical Desai novel full of good writing and keen observations. 

Another good read of the DWL Readers’ Club was Bird Summons by Leila Aboulela. It revolved around three Muslim women who embark on a road trip to see the final resting place of the first Scottish lady who embraced Islam. A road trip always promises an exciting story and the author didn’t disappoint. The ending wasn’t very convincing but the story was very involving and gave a good glimpse of how life is for devout Muslim women living abroad.

Diksha Basu’s, The Windfall, was a crisp read. It was very visual in its descriptions which is always good. The apartment building in Delhi East - its living conditions, the inhabitants and the dynamics they shared was probably my favourite part of the story. I thought I had the plot worked out but she gave a nice twist which left the story open-ended and quite believable. I think this book is already being made into a film. If not, it can totally be made into one. 

A book which has been adapted for television is Meera Syal’s, Life Isn’t all Hee Hee Ha Ha. I read it on Kindle even though I had noticed some copies of the book at local bookstores here in Karachi but I had dismissed it as chick-lit. Yes, I was a book snob once upon a time and no, I’m not proud of it. And I’m so glad I read it because it is a really, really good read. 

Jhabvala’s, Heat and Dust, was a re-read. I mainly read it to watch the film. FYI - an extremely decent version of the movie is available on YouTube starring Shashi Kapoor and Julie Christie. A Merchant Ivory production, the movie does total justice to the book but of course, the book is always better. 

The one book I read this year which has been rotting on my TBR pile is The Master & Margarita by Bulgakov. I really don’t know why I kept putting off reading this book because this book is a WORK OF ART. I purchased it in 2014 from a book store in Venice Beach and it has taken me five years to read it. If you haven’t read it, you must get your hands on a copy immediately. And don’t let others tell you that it’s an over-rated book. It isn’t. Ulysses is. Maybe even War and Peace (I'm ready to be roasted).

But if Russian authors aren’t your cup of tea then you can read An American Marriage by Tayari Jones. A basic plot with high drama and intense characters. I went through a number of conflicting emotions while reading it. It talks in a lot of detail about marriage, emotions and how we humans react to circumstances vs. how we are expected to react. Obama and Oprah are fans too. 

I also read Iris Murdoch’s, The Black Prince, this year. Mainly as 2019 was her birth centenary year. I’ve tried finishing this book earlier also but never got around to it. Somehow I managed to persevere this time around and I’m glad I did because Murdoch has this amazing way of writing where she does give you an ending but when you finish the book, you’re at a loss about who and what to believe. I love this about her books but I know this isn’t something which most people appreciate. 

What people want is a complete and ‘believable’ ending. Which is a bit unfair because isn’t the story the writer’s to tell? A lot of Elif Shafak’s fans didn’t like 10 Minutes, 38 Seconds in this Strange World. Or so we were told at the DWL Readers’ Club meet. This was the first book of hers I read and I loved it. This book resonated with me on so many levels that I didn’t want it to end. This is one of those books which will forever change your perception of Turkey. And it was also short-listed for the 2019 Booker Prize.

My Sister, the Serial Killer by Oyinkan Braithwaite was another Readers’ Club selection and was long-listed for the Booker Prize. The concept was interesting but it was a simple, light read. Nothing very memorable. Another book that wasn’t much home to write about was The Fix by Omer Shahid Hamid. Yet another very unimpressive read this year was, The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid. It was the most talked about book on Good Reads and I fell into the rating trap and downloaded it. It is a rags to riches story of a woman who goes from Hell’s Kitchen to becoming the biggest female star in Hollywood. There was a final twist in the book which I didn’t see coming but other than that, nothing much. A good read if you’re taking a long flight. 

I finished my 20th book last night and even though I’m drowning under social commitments at the moment, I’m trying to decide which book to start the new year with. Any suggestions?

What were your favourite reads of 2019? 

Post # 22 - giving up, starting over

The struggle is real. 

This year I had decided to make some changes. You’ve heard this before but I’m going to put it out there AGAIN. I’ve taken some steps towards change but I still feel that I need to do more. One of the things I’ve done, which I never did before..like ever, is to read some good self-help books. The one I’m reading currently is Brene’ Brown’s Rising Strong and if you’re wondering why I’m taking SO long to read it (since I mentioned it here on the blog way back in March) - it’s because I’m afraid. At the end of each chapter there is a bit of a summary which not only helps to outline the chapter but also makes one think of how it all applies to their life. When I finished the first few chapters, I sat down and went through the ‘Owning the Story’ exercise. And let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. Walking into my story, accepting all the good, bad and the ugly with honesty, wholeheartedness and a desire to change required courage. 

So, has the change started? 

The one thing I’ve come to realise is how much we overuse the word, change. It isn’t easy to bring about change when you’re living a regular lifestyle. If you have a set routine and you want to bring about ‘changes’, it requires much more work and motivation than say a major change like moving houses, or starting a new job/school, or starting over after losing a loved one. In these instances people around you are willing to give you space to settle into the change. But bringing about simple changes in your routine in a house which is functioning in a certain way is a task even Hercules would have found daunting! 

Does that mean I can never bring about the change I want?

No. It just means a) I have to work harder to implement the change and b) once I can bring about the change and it produces certain desired results, others will also respect the change and be willing to accommodate. 

Simple, right? 

Not exactly. There is nothing simple when it comes to bringing about change. It needs effort and guts and willpower and a whole lot of gritting teeth and losing sleep. It also requires a lot of self-love and kindness because there are no instant results and at each step of this journey I need to be aware and accepting of my story. The past one, the present one and the future one I hope to create.

 

Rising Strong - Brené Brown

Image: Google 

Post # 18 - Announcement

After a lot of thought and copious amounts of self-doubt, I've decided to undertake a self-created challenge. I'm going to post on the beanbag blog and the beanbag Instagram account every single day.

*deep breath*

Yes, a DAILY post. This isn't going to be easy but it's going to be a lot of fun as I will have to push myself to think out of the box and create something new everyday. Join me, next month, as I try to make good content every day of the week. Keep a lookout for #dailyJuly. 

My writer avatar this month!

Post # 4 - Hanging on, Letting go

It's so easy to say one needs change when things aren't going right. Sometimes that is a good idea, at other times it's just a way of running away from the actual problem. I'm in that kind of a situation right now as far as my blog is concerned. I'm not posting regularly and though I can easily put the blame on the twins (since they can't defend themselves at the moment!), the truth is that I'm becoming more and more afraid when it comes to writing here. Afraid of what? Well, it's an old fear of inadequacy which keeps coming and going especially when it comes to my writing. Half the time I write something and pore over every word for so long that I don't end up posting.

So instead of addressing the real issue, which is not taking out time to write, I decided that what I required was a change. I needed to start a new blog from a new platform. A simple case of running away from the problem instead of fixing it. I do feel that I've changed considerably from the person who started this blog many years back. And when I look back at the posts over the years I can see the evolution of me. If that makes sense. 

What is happening on the beanbag now? Well, I'm no longer teaching advertising and consumer behaviour which I was when I started this blog. I loved teaching and whenever I meet any old student, my heart fills with immense joy (almost always, I promise!). I'm a member of the super team at Desi Writers' Lounge which has helped me do things I never thought I'd be able to do (more on that in another post maybe) but most importantly, it brought AMAZING friends into my life. 

Most importantly, I'm now always sharing space on the beanbag with my twins. These two little angels (and mischievous, naughty, crazy, sometimes very annoying monsters) have brought about a lot of change in my life. Motherhood is still something I haven't written about in a lot of detail. Mainly because I don't want to sound preachy which I feel I will. But that doesn't mean you're not going to see a couple of parenting posts now and then here.

My life's focus is a little different this year too. I've made a Google sheet that has helped me accomplish so many of my new year goals in these two months. It's like I'm answerable to the sheet and putting ticks or crosses actually makes me feel triumphant or guilty. I know it sounds crazy but this sheet has helped me - I kid you not. Will you be hearing about it soon? Maybe. Let me get through the first three months. 

There is a lot to share and write about. Just like there was when I started this blog. So I'm not running away with my stories. I'm staying put with them, on the beanbag. With the twins. And hubby dear. And everything else in between!

Post # 3 - Finding my mojo, not mojo jojo

The curses have come upon my writing. I think it's the 'my-writing-must-be-perfect' curse where I keep re-writing and editing and re-writing, eventually to delete it all. It can even be 'who-will-read-this?' curse which means that I almost always don't write what I feel like writing. Images of certain people (who shall not be named) keep popping into my mind as I write each word and you guessed it right, eventually the document finds its way into the trash bin. The worst one is the 'what-will-people-think?' curse which sort of hovers over everything I do. This final one usually stops me from sharing anything I write with anyone. 

Power Puff Girls reducing
Mojo Jojo to a pulp

So you see, I've lost my mojo. And I ain't no Power Puff girl to beat these curses to smithereens only to discover that the mojo was with me all the time, it was only that I had to believe in it. 

My issue with belief is this - is it a solitary thing? Or do we need others to believe in us in order to make ourselves believe in us? Is it a one way street or a dual carriage way? From personal experience I know that belief is something that can be affected by your environment. By those around you. Or am I trying to blame others for a fault of my own? I mean, the Power Puff Girls believe in their ability to fight and eliminate evil because the Professor (their creator), the mayor, and the city of Townsville believes in them. But belief also stems from within them because a) they possess certain powers and b) they've beaten up villains, including Mojo Jojo, a number of times. 

The wisdom I've gleaned from Blossoms, Buttercup and Bubbles is that I need to develop my powers and use them which will lead to belief. Belief in my writing, in my philosophy of living and of course, in myself. And it will help to beat the curses and any Mojo Jojo's who happen to come across my path. 

Post # 2 - Goals Galore

One of my closest friends and myself made this pact a couple of years back that we’ll try and meet each month. We did well the first year and almost met our target. The second year we managed to meet 4-5 times and in the third year (which was 2018) we met twice. Any guesses to the one resolution that we've both made this year?!

Making resolutions is easy. It’s the following them through which is hard. I’ve been thinking a lot about my inability to make my resolutions happen and the honest truth is that I expect miracles. I expect the universe to get into action and get the wheels within wheels moving just because I’ve made a list. And we all know that’s not how the universe works. 

Ideal goal list - write, read, party & smell the roses!

So how is this year going to be different? 

I don't have a clear answer to this question. What I do know is that I just don’t want things to continue the way they are. I’ve realised we keep postponing things as if we have endless time on this planet. We don’t. I don’t know when the Grim Reaper might come knocking at my door and I don’t want to go with him (or is it her?) with a long list of regrets. It sounds like such a cliche’ when people say life is too short but it IS too short. When I think of all the days I’ve spent not living to my full potential, I feel like giving a call to the GR. Which is not actually such a good idea considering that I’ve just jotted down a list of goals. 

Another list? 

Yes. It’s not new. Some of the goals are old which have been clinging to me like my son does. There is, however, a different method to the madness this year. Instead of result oriented goals like, ‘I’m going to read 100 books in 2019’, my reading goal is to try and read for 20 mins a day. Even if I don’t meet the 100 book target, maybe I might make it halfway, or end up reading 20 books. Which will be so much better than the six books I read in 2018. My lowest book count to date. *hides under the table*

I don’t know where 2019 will take me but I do know where I want to take myself in 2019.  Hey universe, are you listening?

Post # 1 - Resolutions: Evolution or confusion?

How further in into the new year does one start implementing new year resolutions? I ask because twelve days have passed and I’m yet to implement any one of my not-that-long list of resolutions. Mainly because the most important one, get more sleep, is just not happening! Even as I’m writing this, my mind is half-numb with lack of uninterrupted sleep. And a half-numb mind is a dangerous thing. Or in my case, boring.

I’m a believer in resolutions. But belief only doesn’t lead to execution. Or evolution. You see, the whole point of resolutions is to change into a better person - to evolve. But evolution takes time as Charles Darwin will vouch and a list of ten or something resolutions can't lead to major life changes. Or can it? 

The problem with resolutions is that we all tend to set lofty goals. For example you might say, ‘I’ll work on my work-life balance’. That sounds great but how do you propose to do it? What are the everyday steps you’re going to take towards tipping the balance? See, this is where it gets tricky. So when I resolve to write more, what do I mean? Will I write more blog posts, make entries in my journal or work on fiction? Similarly, when I resolve to read more, how do I plan to do it considering I have 18 month old twins? 

What I’ve realised this year is that the key to achieving my resolutions and thus, changing things for myself, is to set small goals. For every resolution I make, I need to have small everyday goals towards achieving that lofty goal. Yes, it all sounds so perfect and do-able but I know, deep down, that it isn’t going to be easy. But then, what is easy? And I think I’ve had enough of easy. Now I want to challenge myself and do things. And hopefully go places by doing those things and maybe, make an impact on the lives of others. 

Resolutions, if kept sincerely and followed through, do have the power to change your life. And it’s never too late to take control of your life and take it where you want. Even if it is just to the bed for a quick nap when the twins are out for their afternoon walk!