Post # 13 - The Lockdown Life

One of the things I've realized, among many others during this lockdown, is that we think very low of our everyday tasks. We don’t give them much importance. Most of us consider them a burden and hate them. In our part of the world we have domestic help who do these everyday chores for us so we are spared. Now, confined in our homes, we don’t have a choice but to do these everyday tasks. A lot of us don’t have live-in help so we find ourselves cooking, cleaning, ironing, washing clothes and doing grocery these days. What adds more spice to the entire situation is the presence of kids and husbands in the mix minus socialising or eating out. The Conjuring series does not even come close to the horror we are all living through at the moment. 

In all fairness, a lot of us have it easy. We don’t have to worry about finances and putting food on our table which, sadly, many people are struggling with. If your biggest worry is washing and ironing your clothes, you’re super lucky. Even though it might seem like a mundane, back breaking, hand wrecking job (which it is), it is also one which can bring a sense of calm and provide you with some brain space. Mostly to think about how to get the rest of the chores done and still find time to read or write or call a friend or watch television or just take a power nap. 

I’ve come back to my writing. I’ve dug out my old notebooks and am going through the various ideas I’ve been jotting down over the years one by one. I’m on idea number one these days. It's about a girl's obsession with beauty and self-image. And that's all I have to say on it for the time being. 

Post # 7 - The Books We Hide

Or rather, the book covers we hide. A few years back I bought a copy of Simone de Beauvoir’s, She Came To Stay. The cover featured a nude girl and I remember the shocked expression of a young kid standing next to me when I picked up the book and started reading the blurb. Even I was kind of surprised by the cover because why would a book by Beauvoir need a naked woman? To entice a reader unfamiliar with her work? Someone who picks a Beauvoir book for the cover alone will be massively disappointed because racy is one thing her books are not. 

But what happens when you take out a book from your bag with a naked woman on the cover? Others who happen to glance in your direction assume you’re reading porn. So, what do you do? Cover the book with an old newspaper or wrapping paper or calendar? Which makes it all the more obvious that you’re reading something fishy.

While growing up I came across many calendar covered books in our house. My mother had this rather large collection of Mills and Boon and Barbara Cartland novels and the covers usually had illustrations of buxom women swooning in the muscular arms of tanned, chiseled men. With three curious children roaming around in the house, she made sure the books were always covered by some calendar or wrapping paper. Was she afraid that the covers might make me start reading the books? I never did - not even in university when I had easy access to it through my friends. They, too, always had the novels covered up in paper as they stuffed them quickly into their bags while there weren’t other students around. 

Why didn’t I read these racy novels? Was I trying to prove my literary prowess over others around me? Unfortunately, yes. College and university days are so demanding at so many levels and I felt (and this seems so dumb now) that I could impress others through my books. And if you cover up a book, there isn’t any chance of impressing anyone, is there?

I have, thankfully, outgrown this philosophy and after years of being a book snob have finally come round to reading books which are not in my comfort zone. The DWL Readers’ Club (which I moderate) played a big role in making me reach for books I otherwise never read. Also, I do a lot of my reading outside the house on my Kindle which again, most conveniently, does not display the book I'm reading to the world. 

Times have changed. Social media has made the entire globe our audience and now with a simple click we can share our current read with almost everyone everywhere. The more controversial the read, the better. It might differ from culture to culture and household to household but things which were kept hidden or low key are displayed openly to the world. There was a time in Pakistan when writers like Manto faced trial for obscenity and vulgarity in their writings. Fast forward to the not distant past when book stores around the country openly displayed and sold the Fifty Shades of Grey series. Ironic, no? 

Whether you like to show the world what you’re reading or you’re hiding it from prying eyes or better still, reading on your phone/tablet/kindle, the important thing is that you’re reading. And at the end of the day, that is the ONLY thing that matters!

Post # 5 - What do you see in the mirror?

Who among us is not familiar with the magic mirror of the evil Queen (aka step-mother of Snow White) and her famous dialogue, ‘Mirror, Mirror, on the wall - Who is the fairest of them all?’ We, too, ask our mirrors the same question as she did, it’s just that we a) don’t say it out loud and b) aren’t usually in the quest to be the ‘fairest’ of them all. For that we have ample fairness creams in the market. 

Mirrors are dangerous objects. They are both our best friends and worst enemies. Without them, we have no way of knowing how we are physically. Imagine a world without mirrors, where people had no way of knowing if a certain hairstyle suited them or if their clothes fitted properly or looked flattering. In a world devoid of mirrors, the only feedback we will have on our appearance will be from others. Friends, spouse, children, parents, and the looks random strangers give us on the street will be our guide. 

It is a strangely liberating thought but also slightly oppressive. No mirrors to tie saris in front of? No mirrors to help apply makeup to cover our imperfections? No mirrors to tell us if we look too fat, too thin or just right? No mirrors?! At this point in time, I have seven mirrors of different sizes in the house (not counting the mirrors on cupboards and in the bathrooms). If mirrors were to suddenly vanish one day, I’ll have an anxiety attack, not to mention a major decor meltdown! 

Mirror aren't for us humans only!

On the other hand, mirrors weren’t always there for humans to gaze into for hours. It was around 200 years ago that the mirror became a part of our lives. Does that mean the people before us were not interested in their appearance?A little bit of Googling revealed that they had other metals (gold, copper) to see their reflections in. I guess the ones who couldn’t afford these metals could always walk to the nearby lake and check themselves out. 200 years back the lakes weren’t a) dried up and b) choked with all kinds of filth. 

When Harry Potter looked into The Mirror of Erised he saw his family whom he had lost when he was only a year old. Albus Dumbledore told Harry that this magical mirror shows the, ‘deepest, most desperate desires of our heart’. I think we, too, try and seek the truth about ourselves, our most deepest desires when we look into our reflections everyday. I believe one of our most desperate desire is to look perfect because, in all honesty, appearances matter. We might be crumbling and shattered from inside but we have to look put together and in control from the outside. Just like the wicked Queen we, too, can’t accept our mirrors telling us that we aren’t the fairest of them all. 


Note: The image in this post is by the author. 

Post # 1 - Beginnings

A lot has happened in these first 12 days of the new year. The winter holidays are over and the twins are back to school which means early mornings and it’s kind of super cold in Karachi these days so it’s a miracle I crawl out from under my warm blanket every morning. Hubby dear is back to work with old and new shoots. I started and finished a book and am now on the next one. A story idea which had been bothering me for months has finally started to take some shape. I have decided to try writing personal, non-fiction essays (easier said than done but hey, one has to start somewhere!). I have a new profile picture on Facebook after, like, six years. That alone is huge.

It’s easy to make resolutions or intentions for new year but as we usually enter it with pretty much the same people and the same commitments, it’s easy to feel demotivated and a little overwhelmed. What is important though, is not to lose sight of the big picture. In my case, the major struggle is how to juggle the kids and my writing. Reading I can sneak in for small time intervals during the day but it’s finding a dedicated time for writing which is tough. And by the time I get to it, at around 9pm at night, I’m too tired to think let alone write. 

We usually set goals but don’t think how we are going to go about them. It’s easy to say that we’ll go to the gym everyday or meditate or whatever it is we want to do but really the days in the new year pretty much follow the same routine as the previous one. If we are really serious about seeing our goals through, we need to plan a bit and change our routine. And change is always difficult. I always resist change. 

As far as my writing is concerned, the best solution I’ve come up with is leaving the kids at my mom’s place. This gives me a couple of hours in which I can write without any disturbance. Even if I do this three times a week, that gives me at least 6-7 hours per week of unadulterated writing time which I think is super. Ofcourse, if I have writing to show for that time, it’ll be even more super but let’s not start the new year on a negative or ironic tone, shall we?  

It’s super cloudy in Karachi today and super cold too. My feet feel like ice and I think I’ll just go and wear some socks. I’m a big fan of socks. You’ll find me wearing socks with penguins, avocados, cupcakes, owls and even Sponge Bob. And the latest addition in my socks collection is Van Gogh’s, Starry Night. Why wear boring black and white socks when cute animals and paintings can keep your feet looking good and warm? 

Post # 31 - 2019 in books

This post is a long one. You've been warned. 

Last year I just managed to read six books even though I had set a lofty goal of reading a 100. Actually a 100 books in 365 days is totally do-able if you don’t have twins and Netflix. This year I decided to work around the twins and other entertainment/commitments and set a simple goal (as suggested by my bestie) of reading ten minutes everyday. The result was that I managed to finish 20 books! I know some of you will scoff at this meagre number while others will shake their head in disbelief that I even got into double digits but one can’t please everyone. 

A few books were re-reads, some of them were selections of the DWL Karachi Readers’ Club and some were from my TBR pile. So I started the year with Hanif’s latest book, Red Birds. Let’s just say that I liked his previous two books more than this one and leave it at that. Milkman by Anna Burns came next and this book was AMAZING. It was set in Ireland during The Troubles in the 70s and even though the story was about harassment, the war was weaved into it superbly. 

I managed to read three non-fiction books this year - Over Seventy by P.G.Wodehouse, It’s Not about the Burqa - Collected Essays, and The Sensational Life and Death of Qandeel Baloch by Sanam Maher. All three books were complete opposite of each other. 

Maher’s book on Qandeel Baloch was such a beautiful and sad read simultaneously. If you haven’t read it yet, I’d suggest you do. NOW. The essays in It’s Not about the Burqa were very intense and personal. Almost all of them gave a picture of how life is in the UK for a Muslim woman. Whether it is concerning their physical appearance or their right to marry whom they like - this book is a brave attempt at highlighting the voices of women. Kudos to all who contributed to it. 

Another book by a Pakistani author which was not just an enjoyable read but superbly written was Bina Shah’s, Before She Sleeps. The only unfortunate thing is that it isn’t available for sale in Pakistan and the only copy available was at the British Council Library. I think this might just be Bina’s best work. The plot was well constructed, the characters had depth and the dystopian setting was very, very believable. Loved it. 

Afternoon Raag by Amit Chaudhuri was, like all his books, a very pleasant read. It was as if I wasn’t reading but walking through a gallery, viewing one painting after another. The beauty of Chaudhuri’s work is that he doesn’t really provide you with a traditional story structure but invokes a mood, recreates a feeling. I followed it up with Desai’s, Baumgartner’s Bombay. A typical Desai novel full of good writing and keen observations. 

Another good read of the DWL Readers’ Club was Bird Summons by Leila Aboulela. It revolved around three Muslim women who embark on a road trip to see the final resting place of the first Scottish lady who embraced Islam. A road trip always promises an exciting story and the author didn’t disappoint. The ending wasn’t very convincing but the story was very involving and gave a good glimpse of how life is for devout Muslim women living abroad.

Diksha Basu’s, The Windfall, was a crisp read. It was very visual in its descriptions which is always good. The apartment building in Delhi East - its living conditions, the inhabitants and the dynamics they shared was probably my favourite part of the story. I thought I had the plot worked out but she gave a nice twist which left the story open-ended and quite believable. I think this book is already being made into a film. If not, it can totally be made into one. 

A book which has been adapted for television is Meera Syal’s, Life Isn’t all Hee Hee Ha Ha. I read it on Kindle even though I had noticed some copies of the book at local bookstores here in Karachi but I had dismissed it as chick-lit. Yes, I was a book snob once upon a time and no, I’m not proud of it. And I’m so glad I read it because it is a really, really good read. 

Jhabvala’s, Heat and Dust, was a re-read. I mainly read it to watch the film. FYI - an extremely decent version of the movie is available on YouTube starring Shashi Kapoor and Julie Christie. A Merchant Ivory production, the movie does total justice to the book but of course, the book is always better. 

The one book I read this year which has been rotting on my TBR pile is The Master & Margarita by Bulgakov. I really don’t know why I kept putting off reading this book because this book is a WORK OF ART. I purchased it in 2014 from a book store in Venice Beach and it has taken me five years to read it. If you haven’t read it, you must get your hands on a copy immediately. And don’t let others tell you that it’s an over-rated book. It isn’t. Ulysses is. Maybe even War and Peace (I'm ready to be roasted).

But if Russian authors aren’t your cup of tea then you can read An American Marriage by Tayari Jones. A basic plot with high drama and intense characters. I went through a number of conflicting emotions while reading it. It talks in a lot of detail about marriage, emotions and how we humans react to circumstances vs. how we are expected to react. Obama and Oprah are fans too. 

I also read Iris Murdoch’s, The Black Prince, this year. Mainly as 2019 was her birth centenary year. I’ve tried finishing this book earlier also but never got around to it. Somehow I managed to persevere this time around and I’m glad I did because Murdoch has this amazing way of writing where she does give you an ending but when you finish the book, you’re at a loss about who and what to believe. I love this about her books but I know this isn’t something which most people appreciate. 

What people want is a complete and ‘believable’ ending. Which is a bit unfair because isn’t the story the writer’s to tell? A lot of Elif Shafak’s fans didn’t like 10 Minutes, 38 Seconds in this Strange World. Or so we were told at the DWL Readers’ Club meet. This was the first book of hers I read and I loved it. This book resonated with me on so many levels that I didn’t want it to end. This is one of those books which will forever change your perception of Turkey. And it was also short-listed for the 2019 Booker Prize.

My Sister, the Serial Killer by Oyinkan Braithwaite was another Readers’ Club selection and was long-listed for the Booker Prize. The concept was interesting but it was a simple, light read. Nothing very memorable. Another book that wasn’t much home to write about was The Fix by Omer Shahid Hamid. Yet another very unimpressive read this year was, The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid. It was the most talked about book on Good Reads and I fell into the rating trap and downloaded it. It is a rags to riches story of a woman who goes from Hell’s Kitchen to becoming the biggest female star in Hollywood. There was a final twist in the book which I didn’t see coming but other than that, nothing much. A good read if you’re taking a long flight. 

I finished my 20th book last night and even though I’m drowning under social commitments at the moment, I’m trying to decide which book to start the new year with. Any suggestions?

What were your favourite reads of 2019? 

Post # 28 - Finding Your Story

We start weaving our stories the very day someone asks us, what do you want to be when you grow up? Growing up, this was my least favourite question (read an earlier post I wrote here). No matter what answer I gave, nothing seemed to please the grown ups. I always wanted to be a writer but when I used to say it out loud the usual response was yes, that’s nice but what is it that you want to do when you GROW UP? Their complete disregard of my writing ambitions confused me. It made me feel inadequate and somehow in the wrong. So I changed writer to scientist. At five years of age I had no real idea of what a scientist does except a  vague notion that he/she goes into space. The answer worked and the grown ups, except for some annoying ones who pressed me for more details, were generally impressed or amused or both. 

Our environment often starts killing our story before we even get around to writing it. 

Here’s my story. I loved to read and write. At age six or maybe seven, I was creating my own stories and telling them to whoever cared to listen. I went everywhere with a bag, an old Saudi airline one, with my stash of books and stationery items. If we were visiting a house without kids our age, I usually sat in a corner of the room (under my mother’s eye of course) and busied myself with the contents of my bag. Sometimes, I wish I could do the same even now!

I grew up in the 80s in a regular Pakistani household. At that time the focus was only on studying, getting good grades and choosing a rewarding profession. That reading and writing could become a profession was something nobody thought of, least of all me. Instead of being proud of my creative endeavours, I was mostly ashamed of them. Reading and writing was all very good but if you barely passed in the math exam in grade 8th, nothing else mattered. I know it’s important to get good grades in math but how come nobody berates a math genius for being below average at writing stories? 

Stories aren’t important. Math is. 

Which is why I never showed the novel I had completed in grade 8th to anyone. I was ashamed of it. I didn’t make a stand and say, so what if I barely cleared the math exam - I’ve written this novel. I’ve created something. But I was afraid. I didn’t have the courage at age thirteen to talk about this beautiful story I had written. Instead I destroyed it, page by page in the small pond in our backyard. 

We can’t write our stories in isolation. We also can’t write our stories if we’re governed by fear of being judged and shunned. Most of us never get to write our stories, our way - we just follow a socially approved narrative. 

Which is why I didn’t fight against all odds and become the writer I wanted to be. I was always afraid to be a non-conformist. I was afraid of doing something which might generate comment. For the longest time my greatest fear was not of failure but of others. It is still there because such fears are hard to get rid of but its impact on my life is almost negligible, thanks to the love and support of my husband (who never really concerns himself much with the opinion of others!)

But growing up there weren’t many people who were willing to allow me this leverage. I followed a very traditional academic path and finally graduated from one of the top business schools of Pakistan. Even during my time there I dreamt of working as a journalist or a writer. Immediately after graduation I got a chance to work with an amazing editor for a fashion magazine. And you know what I did? I walked away. All the voices around me kept saying things like, you’ll work for such a small sum in a magazine place? With this degree you’re going to just sit in an office and write articles? Will they be providing pick and drop? I got a chance to re-write my story and I screwed it. 

But life works in mysterious ways. Even when we think we’ve reached a dead end, it gives us another chance to re-write our story. 

Are we ever in control of our story? My answer is yes, we are always in control of our stories. Even if external factors create situations which aren’t to our liking or which tend to make us deviate from our plot line, we can still be in control of certain aspects of our story. We can choose to be the hero of our tale or we can choose to be the victim. The latter role means we’ve surrendered our story to the powers that be. So many of us who choose to be the victims of our tales end up empty from the inside - never living to our fullest potential. I know it because I’ve succumbed to playing the victim card. It’s a miserable state and while in it, I did lose control of my story. So how did I regain control of my story and come back in the driving seat? The answer is simple. I started contemplating on my mortality. 

There is nothing which shakes you to your very core than the thought of death. 

Me =Writer. Reader. Traveller. Flower lover. Photographer. 

We all have to die one day and we all assume it’s sometime in the distant future. But death doesn’t work that way. And when you start thinking in this manner, the layers of doubt start to peel off. You dig out your superhero costume from the corner of your inner being and start living your life on your terms. At least that’s what I’m doing at the moment. I’m re-writing my story once again. It’s arduous and daunting but it’s also very liberating and fulfilling. And that’s how life should be.

Own your story. All of it. The good parts, the regrets, the achievements, the failures - embrace them all. Forget about what the world thinks of you, how do YOU perceive yourself? What is the role you’re playing in your own story? Are you the victim or the hero? Above all, be honest with yourself. Only then you’ll be able to change your narrative. And if you’re able to change your narrative and re-write your story, you can change your life. You really can. 

Post # 27 - The Power of Stories

What is a story? A couple of thousand words printed in a book form? A re-telling of fables and folklores? A collection of characters who are assigned roles and thrown into situations by the writer? A lot of us tend to disregard stories - we feel they are not necessary or important in our lives. Which is quite ironic because we are surrounded by stories. No matter where we come from, what our lineage is, whether we’re brown, black or white, or who we worship - stories are an integral part of our lives. 

A good story is a wonderful thing.  

For me, personally, a good story is one which stirs up something inside. A story which makes me question life and the choices we make. A story which gives me a glimpse of other worlds and lives. Characters form a very pivotal point for me in any story and I find the best stories to be the ones which have characters I can a) relate to or b) derive inspiration from or c) develop feelings (admiration, hatred, love, sympathy) for. It doesn’t matter what the genre of the story is - strong characters and a solid plot line create impactful stories. 

I’ve always loved creating stories. I think being a reader from a very young age inspired me to write. But now I find it a bit of a struggle to write stories. It’s not a case of lacking ideas but more a case of trying to please everyone but myself. Growing up I never had this concept of writing for others. I wrote stories which pleased me, which made me happy. Now, it’s all about what will ‘sell’ and be lapped up for publication. Which, I’ve finally realised, is not the route for me.

The thing with stories, I feel, is that they belong to you only for a limited time. If you don’t write the story, someone else will. It won’t be yours forever. Which is a good thing because stories need to be told. Their power is immense and long 

lasting. Sometimes a story makes you feel something, sometimes it teaches you an important lesson and at times they inspire and uplift your mood. 

I’ve been thinking of stories and their sources for some time. The stories I wrote or narrated in my teens, the stories which I’ve heard from my elders - you know, the stories of incidents and events which get passed down from one generation to the next, each generation adding more to the original narrative? Recently I came across this quote in Iris Murdoch’s book, The Black Prince, which made me sit up and collect my thoughts on storytelling.

‘Only stories and magic really endure.’

And sometimes, the magic lies in the story. In fact, I think it’s sheer magic that helps stories last so long. There’s something almost magical in the process of writing a story and creating a world of characters and events which lasts, in some cases, forever. What is the one book you've read which has never left you? Or a character who you wish was not fictional? Or the story you turn to again and again, never getting tired of reading the same words for the nth time?

[Next post: Creating our own personal stories and how writing the right story can change our life.]

Post # 6 - Where does writing come from?

I was lucky to meet a group of very interesting people on Saturday at the DWL (Desi Writers' Lounge) Write-in session. We had an interesting discussion on writing which quickly jumped from 'what are you working on at the moment' to 'why and how do you write'.

The responses, as expected, were varied and quite fascinating. One gentleman said that for every task, including writing, one must have a burning desire. No desire = no result. Another participant was of the view that writing either comes from euphoria or tragedy. Travel too, he felt, helps one to write better - experience the world with all your senses and then write was his mantra. Two ladies weren't in agreement over this. One of them, a poet, felt that it wasn't necessary to experience feelings, for e.g., darkness, in order to write about them. The other lady was of the opinion that the human mind has unlimited imaginative powers and it is not essential for one to travel in order to write well.

Like I said, it was a very intense discussion. Was there a conclusion? Did we reach a common ground? Yes and no. But it did get me thinking - where does writing come from? What is that place inside us or in our environment that creates stories? 

Observations, not experiences - I feel writers, more than any other artist, need to be super observant. There are so many things around us which can provide inspiration for stories or characters. A conversation with a stranger, an abandoned house, a clothes line on the terrace of a crumbling mansion, an old photograph, a fleeting glimpse of a woman in a bus with kohl rimmed eyes or a man seated next to his suitcase on a flight (I've seen this and yet not written a story around it!) - anything can trigger a story.

Write without fear - As far as my writing is concerned, I'm almost always afraid. I think this fear took hold of me in Grade 5. I wrote a story about a girl who had two pet rabbits. I named the rabbits in my story after the pet rabbits of a close friend of mine. Anyways, I killed the rabbits in the story and my friend was extremely upset with me. And in Grade 5 when the most popular boy, who also happens to be your friend, gets upset at you there are serious consequences and repercussions. Okay, nothing so dramatic but I think this fear has now occupied a permanent space inside my system. Fear of others. Fear of how the world will react to my story. Fear of not writing the right story. Just this deep rooted fear that nobody, ever, will read anything I write. The best stories come from a place where they can grow without fear.

Give your imagination a free hand - The problem is that from the time we're small and learning to draw and colour, we're told that the sky is blue and the grass is green. If, God forbid, we colour the grass purple or bright orange, we are considered odd. As we grow older, we try and put our ideas into correct boxes also. Sometimes, by doing this, we kill our stories even before starting them. Don't limit yourself. Let go of your pre-conceived notions and follow your story with all your heart. 

Consistency - At the end of the day, writing comes from putting one word after the other. No matter if the words aren't coming easily, or aren't perfect - it's important to keep writing. One day something will click and all the words will come together.

We all have stories to tell. It's just that some people out there make collecting and writing stories a priority while the rest of us keep waiting for the muse to make an appearance. The funny thing is, some of the best writers didn't wait, nor believed in the muse. 

'To excel in any of the arts, you must have patience, assiduity, industry and discipline'. 

                                                                                                                      Somerset Maugham

Snoopy doesn't believe in the muse either.

Image: Google

                                  

Post # 3 - Finding my mojo, not mojo jojo

The curses have come upon my writing. I think it's the 'my-writing-must-be-perfect' curse where I keep re-writing and editing and re-writing, eventually to delete it all. It can even be 'who-will-read-this?' curse which means that I almost always don't write what I feel like writing. Images of certain people (who shall not be named) keep popping into my mind as I write each word and you guessed it right, eventually the document finds its way into the trash bin. The worst one is the 'what-will-people-think?' curse which sort of hovers over everything I do. This final one usually stops me from sharing anything I write with anyone. 

Power Puff Girls reducing
Mojo Jojo to a pulp

So you see, I've lost my mojo. And I ain't no Power Puff girl to beat these curses to smithereens only to discover that the mojo was with me all the time, it was only that I had to believe in it. 

My issue with belief is this - is it a solitary thing? Or do we need others to believe in us in order to make ourselves believe in us? Is it a one way street or a dual carriage way? From personal experience I know that belief is something that can be affected by your environment. By those around you. Or am I trying to blame others for a fault of my own? I mean, the Power Puff Girls believe in their ability to fight and eliminate evil because the Professor (their creator), the mayor, and the city of Townsville believes in them. But belief also stems from within them because a) they possess certain powers and b) they've beaten up villains, including Mojo Jojo, a number of times. 

The wisdom I've gleaned from Blossoms, Buttercup and Bubbles is that I need to develop my powers and use them which will lead to belief. Belief in my writing, in my philosophy of living and of course, in myself. And it will help to beat the curses and any Mojo Jojo's who happen to come across my path. 

Post NaNoWriMo high + 2017 writing goal

There has to be a name for the feeling you get when you are not just happy, but visibly impressed with something you've written. Regular adjectives like delighted, ecstatic, overjoyed, in seventh heaven and all don't come close to describing it. There is this deep level of satisfaction and probably a sense of relief. At least that is what I experienced today when I went through some parts of the novel I wrote during NaNoWriMo last year. Most important of all, my self -doubt (which I've struggled with so much over the years and have written about also) has evaporated into thin air. For the moment, at least. It might just make a comeback if I become too complacent and stop writing!

So the goal is to write 50,000 words before November. Or maybe even a bit more. Just a bit. 

You can read about my self doubt at the DWL official blog here and on my blog here. 

nanowrimo - the 30 day journal

Day 30

Let it be known that today is the last day of NaNoWriMo 2016 and I have completed 50k words. *applause*

NaNoWriMo is tough. First, there’s the pressure of writing 50k words. Then the additional stress of working on improving and increasing the said 50k words post November (which I didn't). One of the reasons I failed to continue working on my previous NaNoWriMo story was its plot, or rather, the lack of it. I had, in an attempt to complete 50k words, written random chapters and though the skeleton of the story was there, that was all it was, a skeleton. As the months passed, my self doubt returned in full force and there were moments when I thought of writing something new. But I didn't let go of my story (thank god!) and when October came around, I started work on the plot.

It wasn’t easy writing this time around. In fact, it was super hard! If you’ve followed these blog entries you’ll know my love and hate relationship with my protagonist. And even though I’ve finished 50k words, I still haven’t the foggiest idea how my antagonist is going to make her entrance. I know what she’s aiming for  - total destruction (duh?!) but how she plans on doing it is still a blank.

What I do have, on the other hand, is quite a solid plot. It needs a bit of tinkering but there aren’t any gaping holes in it which is such a relief. I still haven’t started world building yet, but I’m now seriously looking forward to it!

All this writing, by the way, didn’t happen in isolation. Life went on and its demands were endless. That’s what I love about NaNoWriMo - no matter how bogged down you get by everyday activities, you still manage to take out time to write. Which is how it should be all year round. 

Before I sign off, here are my learnings from NaNoWriMo 2016, in a neat little list:

1. Writing buddies are very important. Never underestimate the power of your writer friends. Mine helped me through some very difficult and unnerving moments this time round. A big shout out to them for completing 50k words and being there for me all through this month.

2. Emergency prompts help remove writer’s block. This is an understatement. They are life savers, especially when you sit down to write at 11pm.

3. Writing can be done everyday. Nothing should serve as an excuse. Nothing. Not even an awful visit to the dentist, reruns of your favourite movie/television show, deaths, births, funerals, birthdays. Trust me, I’ve written through it all. 

4. NaNoWriMo helped me find my story. It’s not perfect, yet, but at least it’s there, in front of me and not just in my mind. If your story only remains in your mind, it’s not helping anyone, least of all you. Get it out!

5. Contrary to popular belief, copious amounts of tea doesn’t help in writing. 

6. Write to music. Especially the soundtrack of The Hobbit. Especially when you’re writing battle scenes. The words flow like water!

And finally,

7. All it takes, at the end of the day, is a leap of faith. I took it. You should try it too. 


Day 29

I JUST WROTE 50,000 WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I need to collect my thoughts before I write a final post on this amazing 30 day journey. 

Word Count: 50, 405

Day 28

When in doubt write battle scenes while listening to the soundtrack of The Hobbit. You're welcome!

Till last night the very thought of writing 10,000 words in three days was the stuff of nightmares. Today, I managed to write almost 5000 words in approximately 5 hours. Miraculous, right? The words were flowing as my characters drew battle plans, discussed war strategies and killed their opponents. Betrayal has emerged as another major theme in my story, especially through the bit I wrote tonight. The story is coming together so brilliantly that I can kiss myself! But since I can't, I'll just pat myself on the back and exchange virtual high fives with my writing buddies.

Word Count: Getting there

Day 27

It's a race against time right now. The word count and calendar dates are going round and round in my mind and I am checking the number of words after every few lines. The story, of course, is getting all jumbled up and most of my writing today was full of blank spaces, and question marks because I couldn't come up with the appropriate words!

The last thing I needed today was for my characters to create trouble. I had killed one off yesterday and was quite pleased about it. I was hoping his death might result in some much needed action and get the word count rolling but that was too much to hope. Instead, two lead characters (one of them being the protagonist) decided to change their own stories. Forget about edits  - this new development means the story is now steering itself into a new direction! And there are only three days left to reach the target!!

*takes deep breath*

I think I need to kill a few more characters. It'll help keep the others in line and provide me some much needed word count boost!

Word count: Still not enough


Day 25

Never underestimate the power of your writing group.

Word count: 4000 


Day 22

Only eight days left. And I still have to write 20k words. 

Day 17

If I ever decide to write a horror story, it will probably be about a writer trying to make the daily word count during NaNoWriMo. On not making the word count everyday, she will lose something which she holds very dear. If she doesn't make the 50k target, she will lose her entire story. Every single word of it. 

Word Count: 1192


Day 15

As I write this I’m listening to Shout out to my Ex, a song by a girl band who go by the name Little Mix. If this isn’t an indication of how my mind is going bananas even before reaching the half way mark, I don’t know what is. 

All this is, of course, my story’s fault or rather this particular point my story is at. I’ve been struggling to write about a bookstore for the past two days. This store has secrets and is a key space in the story but no matter how hard I try, I’m not getting a feel of it. I know where it is, who owns it, what makes it special but how it looks like- the shelves, the posters on the wall, the book collection - that’s a complete blank. It's almost like a black hole. There's the door and the signboard but as soon as I step inside, total darkness.

The right thing to do is to step back, take a deep breath and move onto another part of the story. But sometimes, the right decision is just. so. difficult. 

Word Count: (             )

Day 13

I was planning on writing 4000 words today but mindfulness got in the way. What was I thinking when I decided to do ‘mindful’ writing during NaNoWriMo? The only thing one should be mindful of this month is the word count. It doesn’t matter if A kills B in chapter 3 and then during investigations in chapter 5 it is revealed that A was in a different city (which was mentioned in quite a lot of detail in chapter 2) when the murder took place.  As long as there are thousands of words between all these chapters, who cares about the timelines! They can be fixed in December, or January or next November, right?

So what am I doing? I'm writing quite mindfully, a little sensibly, very carefully, somewhat methodically but still not perfectly. All that’s coming out of this structured writing is a panic attack every morning as figures zoom in and out of my mind while I struggle to press the snooze button on my phone. 

Somedays the writing doesn't come easily and it is all doom and gloom, like the siege of Rohan in The Two Towers. And just when I'm about to lose hope, suddenly a bright white light appears on the horizon, the clouds part and Gandalf arrives on Shadowfax. Today was one of those days!

Word count: 3,280 


Day 12

I had to reach for the emergency prompt during the write-in session today. 

Emergency prompts are like Red Bull. They help keep the story going. Especially when you reach a dead end, literally and figuratively. I think I reached that point in today’s NaNoWriMo write-in session. There I was, eating chocolate chip and oatmeal cookies, staring blankly at my screen while all around me my friends were typing thousands of words in 20 minute sprints. 

*Silent Scream* 

The emergency prompt seemed my only friend at that moment. So while others typed hard and fast during the sprint to achieve glory and get the Superhero stickers, I took out a folded piece of paper from the prompt bowl. The scenario in the prompt was really cool. It went somewhat like this:

'You find out about a guy who sells superpowers at a fixed rate of $1000. When you go to him you discover that unfortunately the powers can't be duplicated. You've worked hard to scrape money together for this and decide to buy a really lame superpower.'

And the first thought that came in my mind was to make a list of all superpowers that fall in the lame category. 

Moral of the story? Somedays, it’s a good idea to just take a break and work on the back story a little bit. I don’t want to become an emergency prompt addict! Now, where’s my Red Bull?

Word Count: 1004 words


Day 11

Most days writing is a lovely escape. There is no better way to shut the world than to disappear in the world of my own creation. A world where my will is supreme above all others. It’s a powerful feeling and I usually bask in it while I’m writing but today, I was encumbered by fear. Mostly fear of not meeting the word count but more than that, a fear of not knowing where my story is heading. A fear that my imagination has dried up. I had to get up thrice today to clear my thoughts while I was writing, kept checking the word count every few sentences and switched from one track to the other for inspiration. I only just managed to make the word count today.

*Whew*

Word Count: 1789


Day 10

2500 words in four hours.

I have absolutely nothing to say now except that writing is tough work. There is no muse and if there is, she is not making an appearance at my writing desk everyday. Or maybe the muse is tired too, trying to inspire so many of us who have embarked on this crazy journey. 

I’ve been thinking of origin stories. Of my characters and also my own. I tried to write one for my character today but it’s still work in progress. As is mine, I guess.

Word Count: 2,680


Day 9

I watched Dr. Strange today and realised how important it is to write a good story. Don’t get me wrong, the movie was throughly entertaining and watching Benedict Cumberbatch (who is always so bloody brilliant!), Tilda Swinton and Mads Mikkelsen (the scope of the role didn’t do justice to him though) was a treat but hey, it is a good story which remains with the viewer (or the reader) no matter how good the actors or cool the graphics. Some might refute that argument, saying that in this day and age we are bombarded with so much information 24/7 that even good stories tend to fade quickly. I disagree. When a story resonates with you at some level or makes you feel a certain way, then it’s very hard to forget it. Dr. Strange, however, is highly forgettable except for the very cool and extremely desirous ‘cloak of levitation’. 

So what did I write today? It breaks my heart to admit it but nothing. I had my entire writing scene for tonight planned out but the day unfolded very strangely (no pun intended) and I found myself unable to do justice to my writing. Which is NOT the point of NaNoWriMo. You have to churn out the words by the dozen and not judge them. But sometimes one does not even have the energy for writing drivel. Unless one is Trump. Then not only does one write and speak drivel, one is listened to and elected president.

I think I like the fictional world better!

Word Count: Strangely missing


Day 8

Even though the US elections must have messed with a lot of people’s writing schedule today, I wasn’t one of them. I’m still behind my word count and that is quite scary. Much less so than a Trump presidency but scary nonetheless. 

Today was a confrontation day in my writing. Two characters with a history came face to face and the scene just went from one high point to the next. Although I was dreading writing this particular confrontation earlier, I was pleasantly surprised at the ease with which I was eventually able to write it. And one of the things that helped me was the backstory of the two I had written while doing NaNoWriMo last year.

I love writing backstories. Whenever I suffer from writer’s block, I start working on the backstories of my characters. It’s relatively easier and a lot of fun because it’s for my eyes only. Backstories help add depth to the characters. They help me to understand how a character might react in a particular situation or towards another character. Like the scene I was writing today involved a confrontation between two characters who had a really chequered history. The challenge while writing it was to show the tension between them because of their past without going into the details of the past. That is where the back story helped. 

I’ve just suddenly realized how this journal is, in a way, turning into a back story also. 

Did I ever mention how physically tiring writing can be? My shoulders are absolutely killing me right now. And my bum seems to have glued itself to the chair. And my legs feel as if they’ll always remain at right angles. All those who romanticise the writing process must either write drunk or in one of those customised chairs which have a massage mechanism built in them. 

Word Count: 1662

Day 7

I have this NaNoWriMo calendar on my desktop which clearly mentions the ideal word count for each day. By the end of the first week, which is today, in the perfect world my word count should be 11,667 words. But we all know that, alas, nothing is perfect and my word count stood at 8,598 words earlier today. Which basically meant that I needed to write 3000 words or more by tonight in order to have some chances of matching the 'ideal' count. Instead of letting it get to me, I decided to take some action. So I logged into Facebook, went to The Crystal Cat Cabal page and ordered this amazing notebook and, ahem, *speaks in a small voice* a unicorn.

And then it hit me, I need a unicorn in my story! 

You have to agree that no fantasy story can really be complete without a unicorn or a dragon or two. And currently mine is devoid of both. But again, when I decided to weave the narrative to make the entry of a unicorn possible, someone else made an entry. These characters are going to drive me crazy! And this gentleman, who made his entry today, is no stranger to me. I had left him hanging when I was working on this story last year and I guess he decided to take matters in his own hand and make his entry sooner than later.

Knowing him, he’ll slay unicorns rather than pet them. 

Word Count: 1812
Total: 10,406


Day 6

Today was a day of diagrams. Nothing very fancy as I can’t draw if my life depended on it. I’m talking about basic circle and arrow stuff with notes scribbled around them. I selected a few characters and confined them in circles and tried answering questions like how and why with lots of arrows thrown in to connect the various scribbles. It’s a fun exercise and really helps to connect the dots. Sometimes, like today, connecting dots can result in some very interesting links between characters.

So far into my story and planning, I am quite character focused. But I’m also being mindful of the trap I fell in last year, that of just driving the narrative forward through the characters. I am keeping an eye on the bigger picture also this time and trying to write more mindfully (this basically means  - don’t lose sight of the plot, girl!).

One thing we avoid during NaNoWriMo is revising. Editing is a word which we try and erase from our minds for 30 days. But I was going through this seriously unreasonable bout of self-doubt so I decided to read through what I’ve written so far. 

And you know what, it wasn’t bad at all! 

Yes, there were a few bad sentences and some incomplete thoughts but as I was reading, I started, not editing, but adding to the story. Which is good because I’m adding to my word count, right? Even though I hadn’t planned to alter the text but some places were just crying out for additions, so I went ahead and did them and thoroughly enjoyed doing them.

Sometimes, not planning what you’re going to write makes the process more exciting. I’m not a panster, how can I be? I’m making diagrams and mapping out character journeys while I’m doing NaNoWriMo! However, there are some days when writing doesn’t go according to plan. You think of approaching a particular scene in a certain way but something totally different comes along, like that new character who walked into my story yesterday! It’s okay to keep an open mind towards writing because if you try and rigidly follow a plan, and are unable to do it, you’ll hate the writing itself. 

I think I might make it to 10k words by tomorrow. I’ve even postponed watching Dr. Strange to Tuesday so that I’m able to spend most of tomorrow evening writing. That’s the plan at least, but life, like writing doesn’t always follow plans, does it?!

Word count: 1823

Day 5

‘You have to be your own hero—finish your own book—if you expect your character to be one.’ #nanocoach

Being a hero is not easy. It requires a lot of blood, sweat and will power. It requires courage, empathy and strength. You have to shed your layers, unlock your defence mechanisms, expose your vulnerabilities and then face your biggest, darkest fears. It’s not easy to do all this. Writing a story is not easy. It is physically and emotionally taxing. There are moments in a story when the dialogue isn’t flowing, or the scene refuses to materialise in the same manner on the page as it was in your mind or you realise the climax doesn’t pack as much punch as you had imagined it. That’s when you need to be the hero for your story. For yourself.

I think I read a little too much into this tweet today that was posted earlier on Twitter by @NaNoWriMo. 

5th Nov is Guy Fawkes night and my NaNoWriMo calendar suggested that I burn something innocent today. For a few seconds I actually thought it meant literally burning something and a few objects did come to my mind but better sense prevailed! There is a burning scene later in the story but I'm still on the first chapter at the moment so the fire will have to wait. Also something strange happened in my story at today’s write-in session. As I started writing from where I had left last night, a new character walked into the story. 

It’s very annoying when this happens. All this time I’m trying to focus on my protagonist  and in a matter of two lines, I had this guesthouse owner come out of nowhere into the story. And the funny part is, she’s a great character! It’s not that I can’t throw her out of the story, I don’t want to! Also she’s helping me a) get to know my protagonist better,  b) take the story forward in a way which I had not quite planned but is better than my plan and c) meet the word count! 

I’m feeling a bit of a hero tonight even though I haven’t done more than meet my required word count. I guess it’s because of listening to the Final Fantasy XV soundtrack featuring songs by Florence + The Machine which my dear writing buddy and friend Jalal introduced me to. He’s trying to make me switch from Swan Lake and I must admit, Florence + The Machine is mind-bogglingly beautiful background music. 

Word Count: 1695

Day 4

Today was a smashing day. Firstly, I managed to find some alone time during the day to sort out my characters. Sort is an inappropriate word. I think it'll be fair to write that I spent quality time with some of them today. Secondly, I got a haircut! Time saved in fixing hair can now be used to think about characters, plot lines and the word count. 

Talking about word counts, yesterday mine was a big fat zero and as I sat down to write today, I tried to keep this major fact somewhere in a far corner of my mind. Preferably locked up in a little steel box but since my self-doubt is already locked up in a steel trunk with a big lock, I had to make do with stuffing the thought in a plain old corner of my mind and pretend it was dust. 

So today I decided to tap into the deepest desires of my characters. In short I set out to unearth what were their ‘core yearnings’. This exercise came about as a result of the online writing course I’m enrolled in at the moment. What I discovered shocked me because it touched something deep and personal inside me. I took three characters today - who are quite central to the narrative - and literally peeled off the layers of their personality to understand their fears, dilemmas and inner conflicts. It was such an exhilarating moment as a writer! 

Such moments don't come around everyday in a writer's life. Most days are filled with frustrating, hair-tearing, wanting to scream out loud moments. Or as they say in Urdu, Chaar din kee chandni aur phir andheri raat...

Word count: 1682

Day 3

There are some days when no words flow. Today was one of those days. 

Word count: Zero

Day 2

Today I was having problems with my opening scene. It just wasn't coming together. My protagonist was giving me loads of trouble and rightfully so because I didn't make much of an effort to get to know her before Nov 1st. Yesterday she was all moody and kept giving me insipid sort of reactions which was very annoying. I didn't have the time to chalk out a character sketch and go into the details of her life today and just when I was losing all hope of writing any words, I came across this very interesting tweet by #nanocoach on Twitter:

'When your characters meet for the first time, you have many opportunities to reveal quirks/biases/weird stuff.'

Action! Make my protagonist interact with others and see how she reacts. And it worked! The interaction was limited to one other character but since it was her grandfather whom she is very attached to, it went quite smoothly. During their short conversation I was able to make out a few things about her - she thinks she's a bit of a rebel, doesn't have many friends and loves reading. Considering how difficult she was being last night, I think this is quite a lot of progress! 

Whenever I feel I don't understand a character, I make him/her have a conversation with someone. As the words flow between the two I get a better idea of their personalities. Everything isn't revealed by just one conversation but sometimes it is the best way for me to break the ice with my characters. 

If nothing else I throw them into Snoopy's favourite setting, 'It was a dark and stormy night.'

Word count: 1732 

Day 1

1667. This figure was the first thing that came into my mind as I got out of bed and the thought of it made me hide inside the covers and go back to sleep. If you're not familiar with NaNoWriMo, this is the minimum number of words I have to write everyday if I want to reach the 50k word goal in 30 days. If you think 1667 words is not a very difficult task then you've clearly never written before and I suggest you try doing it now, with the word count on in your writing software. 

The first day of NaNoWriMo is always tough. Last year it was scary and today was no different. As I sat there with a blank document open in front of me, I felt the old self-doubt returning. I almost deleted the chapter heading as soon as I wrote it but better sense prevailed and I let it be. The words flowed, stopped, flowed again, halted. I fumbled with music and after going through a few playlists decided to stick to my tried and tested Swan Lake. It's my perfect writing music. I consulted my notes, made some new ones but did not stop writing. 

That's what I need to do every single day, write. It was a very busy day for me. I was out most of the day, came home at 9pm and yet was at my computer at 9:45pm and didn't get up till I finished my word count. What is it about NaNoWriMo which makes me sit at my desk even after a super busy day? And why can't I do this for the rest of the year? I think I'll sleep over this question and hopefully the answer will come to me tomorrow morning when I wake up. 

Word count : 1999