Post # 4 - Hanging on, Letting go

It's so easy to say one needs change when things aren't going right. Sometimes that is a good idea, at other times it's just a way of running away from the actual problem. I'm in that kind of a situation right now as far as my blog is concerned. I'm not posting regularly and though I can easily put the blame on the twins (since they can't defend themselves at the moment!), the truth is that I'm becoming more and more afraid when it comes to writing here. Afraid of what? Well, it's an old fear of inadequacy which keeps coming and going especially when it comes to my writing. Half the time I write something and pore over every word for so long that I don't end up posting.

So instead of addressing the real issue, which is not taking out time to write, I decided that what I required was a change. I needed to start a new blog from a new platform. A simple case of running away from the problem instead of fixing it. I do feel that I've changed considerably from the person who started this blog many years back. And when I look back at the posts over the years I can see the evolution of me. If that makes sense. 

What is happening on the beanbag now? Well, I'm no longer teaching advertising and consumer behaviour which I was when I started this blog. I loved teaching and whenever I meet any old student, my heart fills with immense joy (almost always, I promise!). I'm a member of the super team at Desi Writers' Lounge which has helped me do things I never thought I'd be able to do (more on that in another post maybe) but most importantly, it brought AMAZING friends into my life. 

Most importantly, I'm now always sharing space on the beanbag with my twins. These two little angels (and mischievous, naughty, crazy, sometimes very annoying monsters) have brought about a lot of change in my life. Motherhood is still something I haven't written about in a lot of detail. Mainly because I don't want to sound preachy which I feel I will. But that doesn't mean you're not going to see a couple of parenting posts now and then here.

My life's focus is a little different this year too. I've made a Google sheet that has helped me accomplish so many of my new year goals in these two months. It's like I'm answerable to the sheet and putting ticks or crosses actually makes me feel triumphant or guilty. I know it sounds crazy but this sheet has helped me - I kid you not. Will you be hearing about it soon? Maybe. Let me get through the first three months. 

There is a lot to share and write about. Just like there was when I started this blog. So I'm not running away with my stories. I'm staying put with them, on the beanbag. With the twins. And hubby dear. And everything else in between!

straight from the book - Milkman

"There was food and drink. The right butter. The wrong butter. The tea of allegiance. The tea of betrayal. There were 'our shops' and 'their shops'. Place names. What school you went to. What prayers you said. What hymns you sang. How you pronounced your 'haitch' or 'aitch'. Where you went to work. And of course there were bus-stops. There was the fact that you created a political statement everywhere you went, and with everything you did, even if you didn't want to". 

(Milkman - Anna Burns)

Post # 3 - Finding my mojo, not mojo jojo

The curses have come upon my writing. I think it's the 'my-writing-must-be-perfect' curse where I keep re-writing and editing and re-writing, eventually to delete it all. It can even be 'who-will-read-this?' curse which means that I almost always don't write what I feel like writing. Images of certain people (who shall not be named) keep popping into my mind as I write each word and you guessed it right, eventually the document finds its way into the trash bin. The worst one is the 'what-will-people-think?' curse which sort of hovers over everything I do. This final one usually stops me from sharing anything I write with anyone. 

Power Puff Girls reducing
Mojo Jojo to a pulp

So you see, I've lost my mojo. And I ain't no Power Puff girl to beat these curses to smithereens only to discover that the mojo was with me all the time, it was only that I had to believe in it. 

My issue with belief is this - is it a solitary thing? Or do we need others to believe in us in order to make ourselves believe in us? Is it a one way street or a dual carriage way? From personal experience I know that belief is something that can be affected by your environment. By those around you. Or am I trying to blame others for a fault of my own? I mean, the Power Puff Girls believe in their ability to fight and eliminate evil because the Professor (their creator), the mayor, and the city of Townsville believes in them. But belief also stems from within them because a) they possess certain powers and b) they've beaten up villains, including Mojo Jojo, a number of times. 

The wisdom I've gleaned from Blossoms, Buttercup and Bubbles is that I need to develop my powers and use them which will lead to belief. Belief in my writing, in my philosophy of living and of course, in myself. And it will help to beat the curses and any Mojo Jojo's who happen to come across my path. 

Post # 2 - Goals Galore

One of my closest friends and myself made this pact a couple of years back that we’ll try and meet each month. We did well the first year and almost met our target. The second year we managed to meet 4-5 times and in the third year (which was 2018) we met twice. Any guesses to the one resolution that we've both made this year?!

Making resolutions is easy. It’s the following them through which is hard. I’ve been thinking a lot about my inability to make my resolutions happen and the honest truth is that I expect miracles. I expect the universe to get into action and get the wheels within wheels moving just because I’ve made a list. And we all know that’s not how the universe works. 

Ideal goal list - write, read, party & smell the roses!

So how is this year going to be different? 

I don't have a clear answer to this question. What I do know is that I just don’t want things to continue the way they are. I’ve realised we keep postponing things as if we have endless time on this planet. We don’t. I don’t know when the Grim Reaper might come knocking at my door and I don’t want to go with him (or is it her?) with a long list of regrets. It sounds like such a cliche’ when people say life is too short but it IS too short. When I think of all the days I’ve spent not living to my full potential, I feel like giving a call to the GR. Which is not actually such a good idea considering that I’ve just jotted down a list of goals. 

Another list? 

Yes. It’s not new. Some of the goals are old which have been clinging to me like my son does. There is, however, a different method to the madness this year. Instead of result oriented goals like, ‘I’m going to read 100 books in 2019’, my reading goal is to try and read for 20 mins a day. Even if I don’t meet the 100 book target, maybe I might make it halfway, or end up reading 20 books. Which will be so much better than the six books I read in 2018. My lowest book count to date. *hides under the table*

I don’t know where 2019 will take me but I do know where I want to take myself in 2019.  Hey universe, are you listening?

Post # 1 - Resolutions: Evolution or confusion?

How further in into the new year does one start implementing new year resolutions? I ask because twelve days have passed and I’m yet to implement any one of my not-that-long list of resolutions. Mainly because the most important one, get more sleep, is just not happening! Even as I’m writing this, my mind is half-numb with lack of uninterrupted sleep. And a half-numb mind is a dangerous thing. Or in my case, boring.

I’m a believer in resolutions. But belief only doesn’t lead to execution. Or evolution. You see, the whole point of resolutions is to change into a better person - to evolve. But evolution takes time as Charles Darwin will vouch and a list of ten or something resolutions can't lead to major life changes. Or can it? 

The problem with resolutions is that we all tend to set lofty goals. For example you might say, ‘I’ll work on my work-life balance’. That sounds great but how do you propose to do it? What are the everyday steps you’re going to take towards tipping the balance? See, this is where it gets tricky. So when I resolve to write more, what do I mean? Will I write more blog posts, make entries in my journal or work on fiction? Similarly, when I resolve to read more, how do I plan to do it considering I have 18 month old twins? 

What I’ve realised this year is that the key to achieving my resolutions and thus, changing things for myself, is to set small goals. For every resolution I make, I need to have small everyday goals towards achieving that lofty goal. Yes, it all sounds so perfect and do-able but I know, deep down, that it isn’t going to be easy. But then, what is easy? And I think I’ve had enough of easy. Now I want to challenge myself and do things. And hopefully go places by doing those things and maybe, make an impact on the lives of others. 

Resolutions, if kept sincerely and followed through, do have the power to change your life. And it’s never too late to take control of your life and take it where you want. Even if it is just to the bed for a quick nap when the twins are out for their afternoon walk!

Day 5 - I've decided to show up every single day

Even if it's to write a single line. A line will lead to two lines and eventually I'll be able to write a paragraph and so on and so forth. With twins and daily chores, writing takes a back seat. I try and get almost everything done while they're taking a nap and well, their nap is usually for two hours in the afternoon so there isn't much time. But honestly speaking, there are little pockets throughout the day. Little nuggets of time which I can make good use of provided that I can steer myself away from YouTube. My addiction to makeup videos is super embarrassing. And ofcourse, the past two weeks I was combing through the internet for pictures of Deepika & Ranveer's wedding. *hides under the writing desk*

Anyways, the point is to report at my desk every single day. Showing up every day has to result in content and it might be mediocre at first but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day, was it? 

The blank screen - a writer's nightmare

Day 4 - When I decide to share

I've never really thought of sharing my writing with anyone. There are many reasons for it. Some which go as far back as Grade 5 but that is a story for another day and blog post. Mainly I've found it difficult to share because I feel my writing is a) not good enough, b) won't resonate with anyone and c) nobody will read it. 

But after almost eight years on the beanbag, I think it is time to share my blog. Life is too short and unpredictable and I don't want to have this regret that I didn't do certain things in my life. Already the regret bin is overflowing. Better not add more stuff to it.