Post # 10 - 3,650 days of married life

We are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary today. A decade of togetherness - of love, laughter, tears, immense joy, some sadness and lots of good times. What have I learnt from ten years of married life? 

 - Nothing is perfect in this world so don’t look for perfection in your marriage. Let it be a happy and safe space for you both. 

-  Accept your spouse as he/she is, not as you’ll like them to be. If you’re supportive of him/her, the changes will come automatically. Good changes, that is.

- Criticism is the death of a marriage. So is nagging. Avoid both like the plague. Trust me on this.

- Don’t compare your marriage or your spouse to others. Just don’t. Your bond is unique and special. Celebrate it. 

- Ego is a three letter word that creates such strong walls between husband and wife that sometimes it becomes impossible to break them. Avoid letting it come between you and him/her.

- Respect. You lose that for your spouse, your marriage is over. 

- Learn to let go. There are so many little things we get upset over and that blow up into big issues. Before you start screaming at your spouse for leaving the towel on the bathroom floor or of having makeup cover every inch of the dressing table, think of your own self. Do you not make mistakes too? Take a deep breath and move on. There are bigger battles to pick out there in the world. Don’t engage in war over petty matters at home. 

- Enjoy the little things. As time goes on and responsibilities pile up, the little things help to keep the bond strong and the relationship fresh. 

- Be grateful for being in a happy, strong, uncomplicated marriage. 

I leave you with my favourite quote on marriage from the film, Shall We Dance? 

“All these promises that we make and break, why is it do you think that people get married? Because, we need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet..I mean what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage you’re promising to care about everything; the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things. All of it, all the time, everyday. You’re saying your life will not go un-noticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness”. 

Happy Anniversary to Us!

post # 9 - The cause and effect phenomenon

We are all familiar with the cause and effect equation. Certain actions lead to certain effects. 

Eating too much (cause) = weight gain (effect)

Smoking = lung cancer

Drunk driving = accidents

It's quite simple, isn't it? Your action creates an impact, not just in your life but in that of those around you also. If you look up the phrase cause and effect, you'll come across this definition:

Cause and effect is a relationship between events or things, where one is the result of the other or others. 

The problem with us is that we only apply this principle to a catastrophe. We never think how much this principle governs our everyday lives. Every word we utter is powerful and has an impact. Our words, our expressions, even our tone can create a ripple effect in the lives of those around us. And this effect can be both positive or negative. Yet, we never really pay attention to this as we go about our everyday lives. 

I was like that. It was in ninth grade when my bestie told me (and only a BFF can and should do this) that girls in our grade had developed a dislike for me because I was very sarcastic. Especially when I played a team sport. Thus, I was one of the last people to be selected in the team. Not because  I didn't play well but because my constant criticism of my fellow team mates had a negative effect on everyone. I was shocked. I had never imagined that the comments I was making on and off the field were creating so much negativity. It was an eye opener and even though I didn't change overnight, I did make an effort. I'm actually still making an effort. Whenever someone makes a plan with me, personal or professional, guess who is the one who shoots it down immediately. *raises both hands* 

I've been thinking a lot about cause and effect since I've had the twins. Sounds very dramatic, doesn't it? My life changed when I had kids type of statement! But in all honesty, even with them, I'm still struggling with how to control my tone, my expressions, my words so that they don't get negative vibes from me. And it isn't easy. To remain calm in the middle of the night when a cranky toddler wakes you up and refuses to sleep requires a LOT of patience. 

But my life doesn't revolve around my kids only. There are so many others who I come across everyday and I know that a kind word, a smile, a warm greeting can lift the spirits of the other person. And maybe the positivity that my action generates might make their day better and subsequently the day of all others they interact with. Even if it just brings a smile on their face, it is enough. Every little action matters. Because I matter. As a person. And in the end, it all does come back to you, good or bad. Karma happens. I know it seems like a scenario out of a movie but then, movies are also made around stories from real life. Well, almost!

 

Post # 8 - embracing vulnerability, finding courage

If you're familiar with my blogs or know me in person, you'll know that I've always struggled with my writing. The problem was not with the stories or essays I wanted to write. The problem was my approach to it. Whenever I sat down to write, before putting down even one word on the blank screen or paper, I'd build a fort around me. A fort with strong walls and a moat with blood thirsty alligators. The purpose of this fort was to ensure that my vulnerability remained behind walls and did not creep into my words. 

The more I stayed away from writing, the stronger this fort became. And I never tried to destroy it because I was afraid. There was this deep rooted fear inside me of what might happen if I let my vulnerability leave the fort. This fear has not come overnight but has developed over years and years. Once I started thinking on this, incidents from my life started playing like a film reel, showing me in progression how the seeds of this fear were planted.

What made me started thinking about this after all these years? It was a talk by the famous American researcher-storyteller, Brené Brown, which suddenly rung a bell. It was some months back when I, quite by accident, came across her Ted Talk titled, The Power of Vulnerability. It was the title that caught my attention and then what she said left me in shock. It felt as if she was talking to me. Just me. 

Before I go any further let me clarify that I'm one of those people who doesn't read self-help books. If a friend recommended a self-help book, I'd make a face and proudly proclaim that 'I-don't-read-such-books'. But over the years, cracks have started to come in the facade of the fort and when I heard Brené Brown talk, I knew I'd found the right person.

Vulnerability, according to her, is the birthplace of creativity. The one thing she said that really resonated with me was, 'tell the story of who you are with your whole heart'. 

How can you tell YOUR story with your WHOLE heart when you've built walls around you? And trust me, it isn't easy to break down the walls and let yourself be seen. It took me a few months to actually trust her words and destroy the fort. Even now, as I write this, a few remnants of the fort still remain, but I've managed to let my vulnerability escape and let it come through.

So, from today, I'll like to tell my story with my whole heart. I don't know if it will resonate with anyone. I don't know if it'll make an impact in the life of someone. What I do know is that I need to tell my story. But more than that, I want to tell my story. 

Straight from the book - Afternoon Raag

When one remembers a scene from the past in which one is with a loved one who is now dead, it is not like a memory at all, but like a dream one is having before his death, a premonition. In this dream which precedes death, the person is tranquil and happy, and yet, without reason, you know he is to die. When we recall the dead, the past becomes a dream we are dreaming foretelling death, though in our waking moments we cannot properly interpret it or give it significance. My memory of the day I bought the tanpura with my guru is like such a dream. 

(Afternoon Raag - Amit Chaudhuri)

Post # 7 - A Homage to books and those who helped me discover them

Today is celebrated as World Book Day in some countries. A day we celebrate books and the joy they bring in our lives. I, for one, have always enjoyed books. I was into reading from a very young age. As a four year old I carried around a dark blue Saudi airline bag in which were my most treasured possessions - paper, pencil and books. Not much has changed in 34 years. Except the bag, thankfully!

Reading is one thing which has remained a constant in my life. While growing up we didn't have a lot of money to go into a bookstore and walk out with an armful of books. We were only allowed to buy one or, maximum, two books in six months. Usually our books were passed down to us by older cousins and uncles. I vividly recall how once, on my birthday, my father bought me two Nancy Drew novels. They cost Rs. 100 and I still remember he asked me numerous times if I'll read the books and keep them safely. It took some convincing before I became the proud owner of two spanking new Nancy Drew books. AND I still have them.

My mother introduced me to Enid Blyton, Charles Dickens and Roald Dahl. But some books I found by chance. The Far Pavilions, I found tucked in between the many Mills & Boons my mother owned. Similarly while browsing through our bookshelf I stumbled on Alistair Maclean (this must be around 1997). Some of the books I love the most are those which I've come across accidentally. Brideshead Revisited is one of those books. I just happened to see it at the old book stall in Karachi a few years back and bought it because I liked the cover. That is how I also discovered Graham Greene. I started reading Maugham when I came across a quote of his on writing. Let's just say I've been lucky.

Not all books and authors I like have been accidental discoveries. A cousin of mine recommended Garcia Marquez (2002). A college acquaintance lent me Rebecca which started my obsession with Daphne du Maurier (1998). Another college friend introduced me to LOTR. I still remember her sitting in the college bus, with the thick volume in her hands, her black nail colours providing a perfect contrast to the green cover. Likewise, I read War and Peace when I saw it in the bookshelf of a friend at university (2006). This friend didn't have many books on her shelf so I gathered that the few she has must be really good and so I decided to take a chance with Tolstoy. 

Most of the Urdu novels I read during my teens were from my grandfather's collection. It was my maternal Uncle who introduced me to the magical world of Tilsm Hoshruba and Amir Hamza. Something I am eternally grateful to him for.

I don't know how I became such an avid reader. Can it be genetic because I've heard my paternal grandfather was massively fond of reading. Growing up I've seen books around me. There were always books in my grandparents' house and often in the hot afternoons, I found my grandmother curled up on the divan with an Urdu digest. Whoever knew of my hobby of reading either gifted me a book or lent me one. Maybe that made me come to love books so much? I don't know. What I do know is that I can't imagine a life without books and reading. 

On this World Book Day I want to make a wish. A wish that my children develop a love for books too. That they find joy, solace, laughter, refuge, inspiration and gratitude in the pages they read. They better - because I have a very long list waiting for them!