Post # 9 - On Our Wedding Anniversary...

.....I present to you, some very interesting quotes on marriage, from literature.

‘Marriage is between two people. There is no studio audience.' (An American Marriage - Tayari Jones)

Who needs a studio audience when you have social media? However…..

‘A marriage is a very secret place.’  (The Black Prince - Iris Murdoch)

Instagram doesn’t tell the whole truth, always remember that because…

‘In almost every marriage there is a selfish and an unselfish partner.’ (A Severed Head - Iris Murdoch)

Sad, but true. In which case….

‘It is my advice to any woman getting married to start, not as you mean to go on, but worse, tougher, than you mean to go on.' (A Far Cry from Kensington - Muriel Spark)

It might work, it might not work but don’t fret because..

‘Marriages, my dear, are made to be broken, that’s one of the rules of modern civilisation.’  (A Backward Place - Ruth Prawer Jhabvala)

Wait a second…this post is about a celebration of marriage, not dissolution! Most literary masterpieces are usually around unhappy marriages so I think it wasn’t such a good idea to dip into literary quotes..... 

‘Marriage: a hopeful, generous, infinitely kind gamble taken by two people who don’t know yet who they are or who the other might be, binding themselves to a future they cannot conceive of and have carefully omitted to investigate.’ 

(The Course of Love - Alain de Botton)

Post # 6 - Are Mothers supposed to be superheroes? (motherhood series)

When women become mothers, it’s assumed that they will become selfless individuals whose only concern will be the well-being of their child or children. No matter what the situation, as a mother, we need to put the child first. We might be exhausted after a bad night’s sleep or bone tired after a long day with the kids but we are still expected to be calm, patient and not lose it. 

Do women suddenly acquire superpowers after becoming mothers?

None that I know of. At least not yet. In fact, I can only see the powers of reason and sanity slowly seeping away from my grasp. Yet, I fight back and try and behave as if I’m a superwoman. I try and keep it together everyday because that’s what’s expected of me. I try to keep my frustration, my anger and my exhaustion under wraps because unleashing it makes things only worse. With the kids, with the spouse, with others. Especially others because everyone of us is always, always judging everyone else. 

Is there a win-win solution?

Yes and no. Sometimes you find a solution which works but when you decide to reuse it on another day, it completely flops. These days my daughter doesn’t want to leave school. She’ll walk slowly and make many stops on the way from the school gate to the car. All the other children are happily walking with their parents to their respective cars but my little girl wants to do things differently (so much for wanting your child to be ‘different’ from others!). Everyday I have to come up with new and novel ways to make her walk. Some days we pretend that all the trees outside the school have magic buttons which we have to find and press. A big leaf I gave to her yesterday became a tickling device. She ran after me so as to tickle me with the leaf and I played along, leading her successfully to the car. When we reached the car all laughter and happiness, her brother saw the leaf and wanted one also. Unfortunately, we just had that one leaf. 

Can one negotiate with toddlers?

Even play requires negotiations
at times. 

Again, yes and no. I’ve learned two things so far. Firstly, raising my voice yields no results. They scream back, start crying or throw a tantrum. What else can you expect from a 2.6 year old? Yes, my daughter knows that she needs to walk home with me from school to the car but maybe she wants to play first. Maybe she wants me to show her a little extra attention because I’ve been away for three hours. If I start yelling or getting upset with her, she’ll respond in the only way she knows. Crying. That’s the only way she has of expressing her distress, frustration, helplessness, confusion and of course, anger. Secondly, talking to her, I’ve realised, helps me to get control of the situation. Talking in a friendly tone with them makes them trust me. And that’s what I need them to do. Trust me. Implicitly. Always and forever. 

I’m a mother, not a superhero.

As mothers, we do have powers. We have the power to provide the child with an environment in which he/she can not just be happy but also be curious, creative and just be himself/herself. Most importantly, we need to realise that though we have quite a number of powers, we are humans too and need some time off. A cup of coffee in peace, maybe a few uninterrupted minutes of reading or just a power nap keeps our powers intact and makes us happy mothers. And it’s happy mothers who are behind happy babies/toddlers. Not just dry pampers! 

Note: The image in this post is by the author. 

Post # 4 - How Do I Love Thee? Let me count the books..

What are the best love stories? The ones in which star crossed lovers overcome all obstacles and fall into each other's arms? Or the ones steeped in tragedy where ‘never the twain shall meet.’

Going over my book shelves to pick out my favourite romantic reads made me realise that the greatest love stories usually had tragedy written all over them. Which is, I believe, what makes them enduring and impactful. And if you’re a reader and happen to fall in love, these stories will make you appreciate what you have even more. Maybe. 

True love is hard to find. These books which I’m going to talk about here, briefly, reflect this. But oh, what joy love brings to one’s life even if it is not forever. To have loved once with all your being even if it is not meant to be changes you. Sometimes for the better and other times, like Heathcliff, for the worst. And no, Wuthering Heights is not on this list. 

Love that came too late - The End of the Affair (Graham Greene)

This novel is considered to be one of Greene’s best works and it is a really beautiful, yet tragic love story. The protagonist, Maurice Bendrix, a writer, falls in love with the lovely Sarah, the wife of a boring, regular civil servant, Henry. The lovers have their secret trysts but even though they are madly in love, Sarah refuses to divorce her husband. Bendrix is jealous and obsessive about his love and his struggle with his emotions is really annoying at times. 

The story is set in the backdrop of WWII and when a bomb drops on the apartment block where Bendrix lives, their lives change forever. The affair comes to an abrupt end without any explanation from Sarah which drives Bendrix crazy. Do the lovers ever get to make up? Does Bendrix move on from Sarah’s unfortunate death? There are some moments of real tenderness in this novel, but it becomes a bit preachy towards the end.

“It's a strange thing to discover and to believe that you are loved when you know that there is nothing in you for anybody but a parent or a God to love.”

This was one of Greene’s last Catholic novels (the others include Brighton Rock, The Power and the Glory and The Heart of the Matter). 

For a romantic read with plenty of heartbreaking scenes, this book gets four stars from me. The 1999 movie starring Julianne Moore and Ralph Fiennes is also highly recommended. 

Where love lost to religious beliefs - The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)

There are some books which are physically painful to read. This was one of them. I think it was because I read it when love, the kind experienced by Ralph and Meggie,  seemed like a distant reality and not something that exists beyond books and movies. Ralph is a Catholic Priest and this prevents him from marrying Meggie and this battle between love for her and love for his Lord is agonising for the reader. As a woman, I had no sympathies for Ralph. He wasn’t true to the woman he loved nor to his God. She was resolute in her stand and refused to see justice in his arguments. The ending just makes you cringe at the irony of life. What doesn’t make you cringe is the television series where Ralph is played by the very charming Richard Chamberlain.

This is a very intense love story but it’s also a great novel about family relationships, especially those between siblings. Meggie is headstrong and stubborn but these qualities help her to survive through a bad marriage and other tragedies. It’s a lovely book but a long one. I don’t usually say this but I think you’ll be better off watching the television series which is quite true to the novel.

Another novel which fits this category is Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh. Catholicism is a significant theme in the book. The protagonist, Charles Ryder, is in love with Julia Flyte, the daughter of Lord Marchmain and the owner of the palatial house known as Brideshead Castle. Julia and Charles, though always fond of each other, form a romantic relationship after their respective failed marriages. Religion, though, came in the way of their union. Julia, moved by her father’s last minute return to his Catholic faith on his death bed, takes a step which will make you, dear reader, stare at the book and probably at the walls of the room in disbelief. The only way you can come to terms with the strange, not happily ever after, ending of the book is to watch the 1981 British Television production of the novel. The ending remains the same but watching a young Jeremy Irons in the role of Charles Ryder is a visual delight. 

Where love triumphed over cultural, societal, racial, personal and other complications- The Far Pavilions (M.M.Kaye)

When I added this book to the list, I immediately wanted to re-read it. This is a love story that I never get tired of reading. I knew of this book through the television series which seemed to be on every video cassette my parents had. This was the time before the internet and usually if you liked a favourite series, you recorded it on a VHS which was played on this extinct instrument known as the VCR. 

I’ve re-read this book countless times since I first finished it in my late teens and I’ve never got tired of Anjuli and Ash’s love story. It is a love which is not meant to be and yet overcomes all obstacles and survives everything. It really does! Set in India during the time of the British Raj, this novel take you through the length and breadth of India. From the mountain top palace of the Maharaja of Gulkote, to the barracks of the Corps of Guides and to Kabul  - this love story of Ash and his Anjuli will transport you into a different world. 

That television series I mentioned of the book? Skip it. Read the book. 

Modern Love - Juliet, Naked (Nick Hornby)

"One thing about great art: it made you love people more, forgive them their petty transgressions."

At first glance this book might not appear to be a love story but it is just that. And it isn’t just about finding true love but accepting that one can outgrow love especially if it becomes suffocating and restricting. Annie is in just such a relationship with her long time boyfriend, Duncan, who is obsessed about a rockstar, Tucker Crowe and his music. When a new acoustic unheard of version of Crowe's album, Juliet, comes out Annie and Duncan's relationship takes a U-turn. 

A chance email to Crowe changes Annie’s life forever. It is amazing how two people from completely different walks of life, and completely different continents, can come together so easily. It is a very unconventional romance in a lot of ways but what I liked about it most was how we can stumble upon love when a) we least expect it and b) when we’re not in the prime of our youth. It’s a book that makes you realise that love is a complicated emotion but when you really, truly find it, you better hold on to it real tight. 

Love in Real Life - The Course of Love (Alain de Botton)

This book takes up the story from ‘happily ever after’. Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They get married and have children. Is this a love story? Yes, it is very much so. Especially if you’ve been married for five plus years. 

"A marriage doesn't begin with a proposal, or even an initial meeting. It begins far earlier, when the idea of love is born, and more specifically the dream of a soulmate."

Rabih and Kristen are like any other couple. An exciting courtship period where infatuation is at its peak and every prospect pleases. Once the magical honeymoon is over and life settles into its routine is when the power of their love is truly tested. Through the ups and downs experienced by Rabih and Kristen over the many years of marriage and togetherness, the message comes through that love is not only an experience but a skill which needs to be learned and honed and adapted to changing needs and the pressures of the outside world. It’s not your regular romance novel and at times it does seem a bit preachy but if you’ve read the author’s, Essays in Love, you will love this book. 

This crazy thing called love...

Love isn’t simple. It is exhilarating, uplifting, heartbreaking, disappointing, powerful, and yet at the same time, a feeling that can make a person feel like jelly. The greatest love stories, I believe, are the ones which can make us experience falling in love, all over again. Some of these and others have made me cry and laugh and feel warm and fuzzy all over. Which are your favourite love stories?


Note: All images in this post are by the author. 

post # 3 - the patience game (motherhood series)

If you thought patience was tough, wait till you become a parent. And if you’re already one, I salute thee. Parenthood is so tough. The saying, It takes a village to raise a child, has completely different connotations in the age of the internet. In the East, we already have everyone from our own mothers and mother-in-laws to total strangers we run into at gatherings, giving us tips on raising our children. Then there are friends and cousins who keep sending articles on everything from potty training to eating habits to anger management issues. As if that wasn’t enough, there are always the videos on Youtube which can provide any amount of information on every possible topic. There is so much information overload that when the time comes to apply something that you’ve either read, watched or listened, you don’t remember what it is. At least, that’s what I think.

Over these past two plus years with the twins, I’ve realised that there are three things that really make a difference to both your and the child’s sanity. Patience. Repetition. Forgiveness.

Be patient with your child, is the advice everyone gives. Being patient as a parent doesn’t just mean not screaming or not getting angry at your child. I’ve learned and realised that patience also means to give the child and yourself space to understand each other. I might be sounding like Yoda on parenthood right now but I’ve learned with trial and error also. Getting angry at a screaming child is going to make him/her scream more. Sometimes, even distracting a screaming child calmly doesn’t work. A few weeks back, while dropping the kids to school, Z started throwing a fit because he wanted me to sit with him. He doesn’t do this everyday but today, he was really upset and was crying and screaming. I tried to distract him by singing his favourite nursery rhyme and showing him the sights outside but he just wan’t giving in. So I gave in. 

So there might be some of you who’ll say, this was wrong. Now he will know that whenever he wants something all he has to do is scream and kick and his mother will give in. I disagree. I used to think the same but I’ve realised that this isn’t the case. Yes, maybe he might have calmed down after a while but he’d still have that negative energy inside him. His anger, which he suppressed, would either have come out later in the day or even worse, remained bottled up inside him. By giving in I made him happy and he went to school with a positive mind. Does this mean that I always give in when my child is screaming? No. But luckily, because I give in on simple matters, they don’t scream in every situation. Also, it is a combination of common sense and patience. Handling a screaming toddler in a car is much different from handling him/her in the house. 

Choose your battles with your child. If you’re going to scold or punish or not let them have their way every time, then you won’t have any ammunition left for the major battles later on. 

Patience is also of another level. We are told how our child should behave at a certain age by all these experts. So at nine months he/she must do this, at one year that is a given etc etc. Have patience with your child if he/she doesn’t fit the framework. Your stress will rub onto your child. When Z was one year ten months, all he could say was ‘papa’. We went to London and his paediatrician recommended we show him to a speech therapist. It was a very text book suggestion. But I knew my child and I knew that he was going to start talking without the aid of a therapist. Some children talk late, some crawl late, some walk late. I’m not saying delay treatment if there is something physical or otherwise not a 100% with your child but sometimes, you need to use your own knowledge of your offspring to make the correct decision about his/her welfare. In Z's case, he started talking in a few weeks after starting school at two years of age. 

 Unconditional love will
help them steer their life
successfully. 

You know your child best. Trust your judgement and intuition. 

Repetition works on so many levels. By reading a finite number of books to them every day I’ve made them recognise words and letters and now they can tell the stories by themselves, even if it is in mono syllables. So Z can tell you his own, mostly monosyllabic, version of Little Red Riding Hood. N knows how to make the animal figures stand in a straight line for an animal parade. They both know they can only do puzzles and play doh on their activity table but they can read anywhere they want to. Of course, sometimes this works like magic but other times, I’ve failed. No matter how many times I tell Z not to touch my phone, he does. Again, in this case I’ve noticed that if I let him play with it (it’s usually locked, mostly he just ends up opening the camera and taking a lot of black photos!) for a while and then ask him to return it, he usually does. Give in and take. That’s what I think is the secret to handling toddlers. 

However, don’t always give in. The other day we were at the mall and I walked into Miniso. N picked up this adorable cuddly toy dog and hugged it indicating, quite obviously, that she wanted to take it home. So either I could have said, awww…let me buy this for my baby or, put it back right now! What I did at that time amazed me too. I told her that this shop was the dog’s home and he lived here with his papa and mama. We need to let him stay with his mama and N immediately walked to the shelf where all the dogs were, put it back with ‘his mama’ and waved goodbye to it as I quickly ushered both N and Z out of the shop. Will I be able to do this always? No. But this decision of what and when to buy should be in my hands and not the child’s. That is the approach I want to develop and cultivate. 

Just like we struggle with tasks and emotions on a daily basis, so do our children. I feel we keep forgetting that they are little people too and treat them like they are some sort of mini robots who have to turn, sit, stop, stand, smile, wave and generally be happy at our commands. Sometimes they do, other times they don’t. Which is alright as long as we know when to take charge, when to step back and at times, to give in. 

Post # 13 - Memories I

Often times memories pop up in my mind. These days I’m thinking a lot about the Ramzans I’ve spent. Especially when I moved to Karachi for IBA and we had such a lot of fun in Ramzan at Nano’s place. Everyone used to be there. Often we had Khala’s entire family over for Iftar. That was the time when Sherbano and I were on talking terms. I don’t know what  has happened there. But that is another story.

Nano used to drink her own special 'podina paani' (mint water). She didn’t have the ‘laal sherbat’ like the rest of us. The tea used to be made in this ginormous metal tea pot and I often had the duty of making and serving the tea. The dining room used to be full of laughter and loud talking and just plain good family cheer. I miss that so much. The house is so quiet now. It’s as if it, too, has aged. As if it knows that very soon it will not be a part of our lives. That when my grandparents leave us, the house will sever its bond with us too.

It’s the only house I’ve known since childhood. I was three or four years old when it was completed. Being in the army meant that we never had a permanent address. And whenever we had to fill a form or write down a permanent address, we used to write D-16/1, Block 17, Gulshan-e-Iqbal, Karachi. One day this address will cease to exist for me. It will belong to someone else. 

How does one say goodbye to a house? I’ve said goodbye to many houses over the course of my life so I should know but this house is full of so much love. Of so many memories. Of so many people. Unlike the other houses which we’ve lived in over the years, this particular house was built by my grandparents for their family. And it really hurts to think that one day, which I’m afraid will be very soon, this house will get erased from my life. And I’ll be left with just memories. 

What I regret the most is not recording enough of the house. I had plans of taking pictures of the house during different times of the day. Of the white spiral staircase or the light streaming in through the big entrance window into the hall downstairs. Or of the full length mirror in my grandparents’ room where my Nani and mother and aunt would drape their saris. Or of the dark green carpet in the lounge and the Chinese lanterns in the dining room. 

Even though the house may have changed in appearance and outlook, the address remains the same. My grandparents still live there and I’m still their baby. And no matter what happens to that house in the future, the address will forever remain etched in my heart. 

Post # 10 - 3,650 days of married life

We are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary today. A decade of togetherness - of love, laughter, tears, immense joy, some sadness and lots of good times. What have I learnt from ten years of married life? 

 - Nothing is perfect in this world so don’t look for perfection in your marriage. Let it be a happy and safe space for you both. 

-  Accept your spouse as he/she is, not as you’ll like them to be. If you’re supportive of him/her, the changes will come automatically. Good changes, that is.

- Criticism is the death of a marriage. So is nagging. Avoid both like the plague. Trust me on this.

- Don’t compare your marriage or your spouse to others. Just don’t. Your bond is unique and special. Celebrate it. 

- Ego is a three letter word that creates such strong walls between husband and wife that sometimes it becomes impossible to break them. Avoid letting it come between you and him/her.

- Respect. You lose that for your spouse, your marriage is over. 

- Learn to let go. There are so many little things we get upset over and that blow up into big issues. Before you start screaming at your spouse for leaving the towel on the bathroom floor or of having makeup cover every inch of the dressing table, think of your own self. Do you not make mistakes too? Take a deep breath and move on. There are bigger battles to pick out there in the world. Don’t engage in war over petty matters at home. 

- Enjoy the little things. As time goes on and responsibilities pile up, the little things help to keep the bond strong and the relationship fresh. 

- Be grateful for being in a happy, strong, uncomplicated marriage. 

I leave you with my favourite quote on marriage from the film, Shall We Dance? 

“All these promises that we make and break, why is it do you think that people get married? Because, we need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet..I mean what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage you’re promising to care about everything; the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things. All of it, all the time, everyday. You’re saying your life will not go un-noticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness”. 

Happy Anniversary to Us!