Post # 6 - Are Mothers supposed to be superheroes? (motherhood series)

When women become mothers, it’s assumed that they will become selfless individuals whose only concern will be the well-being of their child or children. No matter what the situation, as a mother, we need to put the child first. We might be exhausted after a bad night’s sleep or bone tired after a long day with the kids but we are still expected to be calm, patient and not lose it. 

Do women suddenly acquire superpowers after becoming mothers?

None that I know of. At least not yet. In fact, I can only see the powers of reason and sanity slowly seeping away from my grasp. Yet, I fight back and try and behave as if I’m a superwoman. I try and keep it together everyday because that’s what’s expected of me. I try to keep my frustration, my anger and my exhaustion under wraps because unleashing it makes things only worse. With the kids, with the spouse, with others. Especially others because everyone of us is always, always judging everyone else. 

Is there a win-win solution?

Yes and no. Sometimes you find a solution which works but when you decide to reuse it on another day, it completely flops. These days my daughter doesn’t want to leave school. She’ll walk slowly and make many stops on the way from the school gate to the car. All the other children are happily walking with their parents to their respective cars but my little girl wants to do things differently (so much for wanting your child to be ‘different’ from others!). Everyday I have to come up with new and novel ways to make her walk. Some days we pretend that all the trees outside the school have magic buttons which we have to find and press. A big leaf I gave to her yesterday became a tickling device. She ran after me so as to tickle me with the leaf and I played along, leading her successfully to the car. When we reached the car all laughter and happiness, her brother saw the leaf and wanted one also. Unfortunately, we just had that one leaf. 

Can one negotiate with toddlers?

Even play requires negotiations
at times. 

Again, yes and no. I’ve learned two things so far. Firstly, raising my voice yields no results. They scream back, start crying or throw a tantrum. What else can you expect from a 2.6 year old? Yes, my daughter knows that she needs to walk home with me from school to the car but maybe she wants to play first. Maybe she wants me to show her a little extra attention because I’ve been away for three hours. If I start yelling or getting upset with her, she’ll respond in the only way she knows. Crying. That’s the only way she has of expressing her distress, frustration, helplessness, confusion and of course, anger. Secondly, talking to her, I’ve realised, helps me to get control of the situation. Talking in a friendly tone with them makes them trust me. And that’s what I need them to do. Trust me. Implicitly. Always and forever. 

I’m a mother, not a superhero.

As mothers, we do have powers. We have the power to provide the child with an environment in which he/she can not just be happy but also be curious, creative and just be himself/herself. Most importantly, we need to realise that though we have quite a number of powers, we are humans too and need some time off. A cup of coffee in peace, maybe a few uninterrupted minutes of reading or just a power nap keeps our powers intact and makes us happy mothers. And it’s happy mothers who are behind happy babies/toddlers. Not just dry pampers! 

Note: The image in this post is by the author. 

Post # 5 - What do you see in the mirror?

Who among us is not familiar with the magic mirror of the evil Queen (aka step-mother of Snow White) and her famous dialogue, ‘Mirror, Mirror, on the wall - Who is the fairest of them all?’ We, too, ask our mirrors the same question as she did, it’s just that we a) don’t say it out loud and b) aren’t usually in the quest to be the ‘fairest’ of them all. For that we have ample fairness creams in the market. 

Mirrors are dangerous objects. They are both our best friends and worst enemies. Without them, we have no way of knowing how we are physically. Imagine a world without mirrors, where people had no way of knowing if a certain hairstyle suited them or if their clothes fitted properly or looked flattering. In a world devoid of mirrors, the only feedback we will have on our appearance will be from others. Friends, spouse, children, parents, and the looks random strangers give us on the street will be our guide. 

It is a strangely liberating thought but also slightly oppressive. No mirrors to tie saris in front of? No mirrors to help apply makeup to cover our imperfections? No mirrors to tell us if we look too fat, too thin or just right? No mirrors?! At this point in time, I have seven mirrors of different sizes in the house (not counting the mirrors on cupboards and in the bathrooms). If mirrors were to suddenly vanish one day, I’ll have an anxiety attack, not to mention a major decor meltdown! 

Mirror aren't for us humans only!

On the other hand, mirrors weren’t always there for humans to gaze into for hours. It was around 200 years ago that the mirror became a part of our lives. Does that mean the people before us were not interested in their appearance?A little bit of Googling revealed that they had other metals (gold, copper) to see their reflections in. I guess the ones who couldn’t afford these metals could always walk to the nearby lake and check themselves out. 200 years back the lakes weren’t a) dried up and b) choked with all kinds of filth. 

When Harry Potter looked into The Mirror of Erised he saw his family whom he had lost when he was only a year old. Albus Dumbledore told Harry that this magical mirror shows the, ‘deepest, most desperate desires of our heart’. I think we, too, try and seek the truth about ourselves, our most deepest desires when we look into our reflections everyday. I believe one of our most desperate desire is to look perfect because, in all honesty, appearances matter. We might be crumbling and shattered from inside but we have to look put together and in control from the outside. Just like the wicked Queen we, too, can’t accept our mirrors telling us that we aren’t the fairest of them all. 


Note: The image in this post is by the author. 

Post # 4 - How Do I Love Thee? Let me count the books..

What are the best love stories? The ones in which star crossed lovers overcome all obstacles and fall into each other's arms? Or the ones steeped in tragedy where ‘never the twain shall meet.’

Going over my book shelves to pick out my favourite romantic reads made me realise that the greatest love stories usually had tragedy written all over them. Which is, I believe, what makes them enduring and impactful. And if you’re a reader and happen to fall in love, these stories will make you appreciate what you have even more. Maybe. 

True love is hard to find. These books which I’m going to talk about here, briefly, reflect this. But oh, what joy love brings to one’s life even if it is not forever. To have loved once with all your being even if it is not meant to be changes you. Sometimes for the better and other times, like Heathcliff, for the worst. And no, Wuthering Heights is not on this list. 

Love that came too late - The End of the Affair (Graham Greene)

This novel is considered to be one of Greene’s best works and it is a really beautiful, yet tragic love story. The protagonist, Maurice Bendrix, a writer, falls in love with the lovely Sarah, the wife of a boring, regular civil servant, Henry. The lovers have their secret trysts but even though they are madly in love, Sarah refuses to divorce her husband. Bendrix is jealous and obsessive about his love and his struggle with his emotions is really annoying at times. 

The story is set in the backdrop of WWII and when a bomb drops on the apartment block where Bendrix lives, their lives change forever. The affair comes to an abrupt end without any explanation from Sarah which drives Bendrix crazy. Do the lovers ever get to make up? Does Bendrix move on from Sarah’s unfortunate death? There are some moments of real tenderness in this novel, but it becomes a bit preachy towards the end.

“It's a strange thing to discover and to believe that you are loved when you know that there is nothing in you for anybody but a parent or a God to love.”

This was one of Greene’s last Catholic novels (the others include Brighton Rock, The Power and the Glory and The Heart of the Matter). 

For a romantic read with plenty of heartbreaking scenes, this book gets four stars from me. The 1999 movie starring Julianne Moore and Ralph Fiennes is also highly recommended. 

Where love lost to religious beliefs - The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)

There are some books which are physically painful to read. This was one of them. I think it was because I read it when love, the kind experienced by Ralph and Meggie,  seemed like a distant reality and not something that exists beyond books and movies. Ralph is a Catholic Priest and this prevents him from marrying Meggie and this battle between love for her and love for his Lord is agonising for the reader. As a woman, I had no sympathies for Ralph. He wasn’t true to the woman he loved nor to his God. She was resolute in her stand and refused to see justice in his arguments. The ending just makes you cringe at the irony of life. What doesn’t make you cringe is the television series where Ralph is played by the very charming Richard Chamberlain.

This is a very intense love story but it’s also a great novel about family relationships, especially those between siblings. Meggie is headstrong and stubborn but these qualities help her to survive through a bad marriage and other tragedies. It’s a lovely book but a long one. I don’t usually say this but I think you’ll be better off watching the television series which is quite true to the novel.

Another novel which fits this category is Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh. Catholicism is a significant theme in the book. The protagonist, Charles Ryder, is in love with Julia Flyte, the daughter of Lord Marchmain and the owner of the palatial house known as Brideshead Castle. Julia and Charles, though always fond of each other, form a romantic relationship after their respective failed marriages. Religion, though, came in the way of their union. Julia, moved by her father’s last minute return to his Catholic faith on his death bed, takes a step which will make you, dear reader, stare at the book and probably at the walls of the room in disbelief. The only way you can come to terms with the strange, not happily ever after, ending of the book is to watch the 1981 British Television production of the novel. The ending remains the same but watching a young Jeremy Irons in the role of Charles Ryder is a visual delight. 

Where love triumphed over cultural, societal, racial, personal and other complications- The Far Pavilions (M.M.Kaye)

When I added this book to the list, I immediately wanted to re-read it. This is a love story that I never get tired of reading. I knew of this book through the television series which seemed to be on every video cassette my parents had. This was the time before the internet and usually if you liked a favourite series, you recorded it on a VHS which was played on this extinct instrument known as the VCR. 

I’ve re-read this book countless times since I first finished it in my late teens and I’ve never got tired of Anjuli and Ash’s love story. It is a love which is not meant to be and yet overcomes all obstacles and survives everything. It really does! Set in India during the time of the British Raj, this novel take you through the length and breadth of India. From the mountain top palace of the Maharaja of Gulkote, to the barracks of the Corps of Guides and to Kabul  - this love story of Ash and his Anjuli will transport you into a different world. 

That television series I mentioned of the book? Skip it. Read the book. 

Modern Love - Juliet, Naked (Nick Hornby)

"One thing about great art: it made you love people more, forgive them their petty transgressions."

At first glance this book might not appear to be a love story but it is just that. And it isn’t just about finding true love but accepting that one can outgrow love especially if it becomes suffocating and restricting. Annie is in just such a relationship with her long time boyfriend, Duncan, who is obsessed about a rockstar, Tucker Crowe and his music. When a new acoustic unheard of version of Crowe's album, Juliet, comes out Annie and Duncan's relationship takes a U-turn. 

A chance email to Crowe changes Annie’s life forever. It is amazing how two people from completely different walks of life, and completely different continents, can come together so easily. It is a very unconventional romance in a lot of ways but what I liked about it most was how we can stumble upon love when a) we least expect it and b) when we’re not in the prime of our youth. It’s a book that makes you realise that love is a complicated emotion but when you really, truly find it, you better hold on to it real tight. 

Love in Real Life - The Course of Love (Alain de Botton)

This book takes up the story from ‘happily ever after’. Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They get married and have children. Is this a love story? Yes, it is very much so. Especially if you’ve been married for five plus years. 

"A marriage doesn't begin with a proposal, or even an initial meeting. It begins far earlier, when the idea of love is born, and more specifically the dream of a soulmate."

Rabih and Kristen are like any other couple. An exciting courtship period where infatuation is at its peak and every prospect pleases. Once the magical honeymoon is over and life settles into its routine is when the power of their love is truly tested. Through the ups and downs experienced by Rabih and Kristen over the many years of marriage and togetherness, the message comes through that love is not only an experience but a skill which needs to be learned and honed and adapted to changing needs and the pressures of the outside world. It’s not your regular romance novel and at times it does seem a bit preachy but if you’ve read the author’s, Essays in Love, you will love this book. 

This crazy thing called love...

Love isn’t simple. It is exhilarating, uplifting, heartbreaking, disappointing, powerful, and yet at the same time, a feeling that can make a person feel like jelly. The greatest love stories, I believe, are the ones which can make us experience falling in love, all over again. Some of these and others have made me cry and laugh and feel warm and fuzzy all over. Which are your favourite love stories?


Note: All images in this post are by the author.