Wikileaks just got hold of the following mail which was found in Osama’s inbox.
USA is in trouble. I am in trouble. In fact, I am in more trouble than my country. And you are not making things easier for me. Your demands are becoming too much for me and Biden. Even I wasn’t invited to the wedding so how could I procure passes for your wife and yourself? And since you have so many wives (with all due respect), two passes were insufficient for you. Yes, I am going to meet the Queen next month but I will not show my displeasure on your behalf. You were not the only one who felt left out. And such a show they made of it. I have half a mind to have my special staff dig out some monarchy in the US also.
I am in distress over your demands. No, I cannot have Steve Jobs make a customized iPad for you. If your iPhone isn’t working, switch to Blackberry. It is amazing and we can always stay in touch on the bb messenger.
As you know Osama, 2012 is re-election year and things are not going smoothly for me. The Republicans are kicking my ass and since nothing much has changed as far as our policies are concerned (both at home and abroad) the ‘Yes, We Can’ strategy will not work next year. If I lose, Michelle plans to stand in the presidential elections in 2016. She’s gotten this wild idea after seeing her name in the ‘TIME’s 100 most influential people’ list. How come you didn’t make that list?
It is time, Osama, to put your loyalty to the test. To tell you the truth, it was President Bush who gave me the idea of writing to you in the first place. I need to win the election next year. I didn’t particularly like Bush’s strategy so I’ve been racking my brains and I’ve thought of the perfect plan. Only your death can now make the American public love me and my new re-election branding.
I can’t disclose the details in the mail; Wikileaks might get hold of it. My team will get in touch with you soon.
Disclaimer: Wikileaks has no idea of such an email. Nor does anyone else, including the author.